Trauma Healing (Part 1)

Lately, I have been in this place where I do not know if I am really healing or if I have become numb because of all that has been going on and has gone on in my life recently. I have been facing so many things and now I am trying to process it all so I can keep moving forward. I have noticed so much about me, my mindset, and I have really evolved a lot in the last few years, even months.

I have taken a lot of blows in life, and some hit me harder than others but right now I think the real thing is I am noticing that my trauma is no longer controlling my thought process or how I am feeling about the things I have going on around me. I have been really tested lately, especially when it comes to grieving and even my reaction to things when they come my way. It's really funny to me because I will emotionally still have a reaction that is of my old mindset, but I literally will react in a manner that is unlike how I use to. 

I feel as though because I have gone in and started to really work through things that have really caused me hurt, I have become a "whole" Jessica. For those who have been reading my writing for a while you know that at one point I was called "Broken"; but truthfully I was not "broken", I was just in a place of so much hurt that I could not love myself. You wanna know something though, I feel like I have never really loved me; why you ask, because I allowed myself to LIVE in my trauma. 

Let me explain why I say I allowed myself to live in my trauma; I never really tried to heal or make myself face things that caused me great anxiety. Because of fear and being a person who loves to avoid things, I went through most of life allowing things that I should not have and pushing down my true feelings. I became resentful and angry, but recently I wanted to be at peace and not feel this heaviness anymore.

I have been crying a lot lately because truthfully the heaviness became way too much for me and the crazier thing is I know how to be there for others, but I NEVER SHOW UP FOR ME. I am always in a corner hiding when it's time to show up for me, and I really do not know why that is because if I am honest I am STRONGER than I ever thought I was; but the fear I have inside of me, people never understand why. As you can see, I continue to speak of FEAR and it's because in my world, my mindset, and some of the things I do I am handicapped by my fear. I was not this fearfully until my first real relationship, when I allowed someone else's projecting how they felt about themselves on me and I accepted it.

Fear has stopped me from truly following a lot of dreams that I have had for many years, and the fact that I have allowed all that for this long has been something lately I have personally been beating myself up about. I have been in and out of a dark space dealing with my own inner self, because honestly my trauma no longer haunts or hurts me. The place that I have come to, has been one of the hardest places to get but I am grateful I am finally here. 

One thing I want to put in this blog before I go, my aunt passed Mother's Day weekend; I want you to know that it was a hard death to deal with but not for the obvious reasons though. My aunt was the last living sibling of my mother, which means that I no longer have the aunts and uncles that were there a long the way of my upbringing. I only have memories and that is something I do not think I was ready for, because now I no longer have them here to argue with, talk noise to, and just love on when I see them. My aunt was the last of the siblings, the last one to let me know I am the favorite (but that was because I was her first niece); she took me a lot of places when I was younger and she was the one who took me to my first hole in the wall. My aunt, I will miss terribly, but this death pushed me to some limits that I did not know I need to face. 

I'll stop here for now; but until next time I am still out here #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al