My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 It's been awhile since I sat down and just wrote... I guess life seem to have taken over in the past few months and I mean took over lol. So I have so much to update on, talk about, and even make clear about what is to come in this next chapter of life.  You know I started this blog just to write out my thoughts and discuss what is going on, plus how I handle most things as I am #SurvivingLife; but lately there has been so much more to this thing called life that I want to discuss. This safe space is about to go deeper into my healing and seeing the positive that I seem not to discuss to often, because if I am honest life has a positive and negative side; we cannot always focus on the negative if we want to continue to grow.  Well.... here goes what's new.... So it's been about 5 months since I have discussed anything on here and I feel that it's because I truly flipped out this past summer mentally. I was drowning and I could not figure out why, my friendships started...

I have been really thinking more and more about my mental state; I find that when it comes to talking about my feelings I shut down. Being vulnerable is not something that is easy for me, but if I am honest I have some real things in my mental that I need to truly let out. I know at one point and time I have talked about some feelings dealing with some issues in my life, but now I see that I have to go deeper than all that. Most say that I need to write more privately but I feel that what I am dealing with and my processing can help others so this is why I share so much. With that being said, I am about to talk about some things that I have never really discussed because I feel like things are tormenting me mentally and it's time to release it. I do not see myself the way everyone sees me, I really do not see this person everyone says I am. I tear myself down all the time from the beginning of my day until the end of my day. I overthink everything, fear failure, and I even second g...

So it's been a minute since I have wrote anything in this blog and today I think it's time to write because my mental is overloaded; I guess it's time to release. Let me be transparent here, this will be a dump of so many events and emotions that I think I never really processed or expressed. I have been in a mental state for sometime but I have never really thought about how bad it was until recently because I think I like to deny how I am honestly feeling. I have been facing many different moments and lessons over again that I probably did not learn from the first time, but now I think I am learning a lot and I'm over the lessons. But here goes some transparency on another level... So I know that I touched on somethings in passing that I have been dealing with lately but I have not be going in depth about my mental; I have been really having challenging times mentally and I really do not know how to handle it at times. Yes, life happens and things go on that you canno...

It's been so long since I have been in this blog of mine and just wrote out my thoughts and feelings. Life has been going and going; sometimes its going good and sometimes life throws crazy curve balls. I mean I have realized that I have come a long way but unfortunately sometimes your emotions will cause your mental to want to go backwards. So my shift happened back in May, I mean Mother's Day weekend to be exact. My aunt passed away and I lost my job; then to top it off I ended up getting a C+ in one of my Master's classes that I needed to make an A in because of my GPA already being low. So like the saying says "When it rains, it pours"; but I must say that I have not been defeated, I have been down though.  I have been really proud of myself lately being able to not allow situations or circumstances to get me out of character. I also started the process of doing something that I have really wanted to do in life and that's teach. I have been studying like c...

So I am back to continue this conversation about my Trauma Healing and how lately I have noticed so much just from the passing of my aunt. It's so crazy how I have believed that I was being haunted by my past trauma but truthfully through this healing I have realized that I really have been running from ME; like I am really allowing FEAR to overtake my life.  Fear will be something big that I talk about because it has crippled me from doing a lot of things in my life that I have really wanted; especially some of my biggest dreams. I am just now stepping out on FAITH and doing things that when I was 16 I wrote about in my journal. It's crazy how a lot of things are coming back full circle in this moment, but one thing I can say is I am grateful.  Let me tell y'all something about me, I have had a terrible fear of dead bodies most of my life; like I cannot stand seeing a body in a casket, so basically I do not like attending funerals. Well I told y'all my aunt died and wi...

Lately, I have been in this place where I do not know if I am really healing or if I have become numb because of all that has been going on and has gone on in my life recently. I have been facing so many things and now I am trying to process it all so I can keep moving forward. I have noticed so much about me, my mindset, and I have really evolved a lot in the last few years, even months. I have taken a lot of blows in life, and some hit me harder than others but right now I think the real thing is I am noticing that my trauma is no longer controlling my thought process or how I am feeling about the things I have going on around me. I have been really tested lately, especially when it comes to grieving and even my reaction to things when they come my way. It's really funny to me because I will emotionally still have a reaction that is of my old mindset, but I literally will react in a manner that is unlike how I use to.  I feel as though because I have gone in and started to really...

I realized that over the years I have allowed people to say that I am important but not really show me that I am important. It was like I was building one sided friendships and one sided relationships period with people, that now when people match or double my energy I do not know how to handle or take it.  Like I know everyone has lives and most people are busy very often, but I refuse to believe that you do not have time just to check in on someone or even just say hello. A simple text message goes a long way for some people because communication is key and that means you are showing them they were thought of; so many people take these things for granted, but wonder why people sometimes will back away from them in general you know.  For me, I have given a lot of me to people show them their importance in my life and how much I care of them, just for me to not get that in return and then get mad at me if I start to match their energy. It's like I have to text you all the time...

Opening up to people has been a challenge for the past few years because I find that the ability to be raw with someone has been the hardest thing for me. Talking about my past traumas, my hurts, and my brokenness is not something that I find myself wanting to do because for so many years people have used my truth as a weapon against me.  Let me explain, I use to be open at one point, then one day certain people started to throw all my past and my hurt in my face causing me not to want to talk about anything anymore. It brought me to a place that made me feel like vulnerability was not something that I wanted any part of; it actually created the vault that I love to put everything in and just shut down. No shutting down is not the greatest thing to do but being that I have been doing it for so long I find it easier that way. So I am at a point now, where I have someone that wants me to be vulnerable and talk; I'm not going to lie some days it's really easy to do that but then o...

14 years in one place with one person, 5 years of it married, and a beautiful little girl... And here we are divorced.. It's crazy because this is a long time coming blog where I finally get all the emotions out that I feel about finalizing that chapter of my life.  Being married has always been a dream of mine, despite the things I grew up around I still felt like I wanted to be someone's wife and a mother. I had this big dream of when I was going to get married and how it would be; but in true life fashion my wedding was nothing like I thought or dreamed of it being. Maybe because I was not a very vocal person on what I want or maybe it was because I wanted to please my future spouse. Either way my wedding day, my marriage, and everything there after was not how I thought it would be. Here I am years later divorced and starting over, in the beginning of all this I was very broken, hurt, and lost; but that's to expected because we were together for so long, but TODAY I can...

I am sitting staring at a blank page, with a brain full of thoughts and emotions that I do not know if I can express anything in the moment because I am still stuck on the topic I was writing about the other day; you know "the toy on the shelf". It's crazy how that is lingering in my mind because I guess I have felt this way for many years.  You know you could also be a part of the problem, meaning that you could also be putting yourself on the shelf like you are only a toy. You know like neglecting your needs, your desires, and thinking that you are not worthy of certain things; and unfortunately I feel that is something that I have been doing to myself. You know I have felt unworthy of so many things in life, but recently I have realized that I am short changing myself.  But there is a bigger thing that goes along with this situation, which is the fact that I allow people to give me what they think I deserve instead of me knowing my worth and not just allowing certain t...

For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...

Writing makes me feel so much better some days and then other writing makes me feel worse. It's like I am writing out my feelings and then feelings that I did not think I was feeling but subconsciously I am hurting. Sometimes the words escape from my body as I start to type about one subject and then it's like my brain releases thoughts I never realized were really there. I am in a transition period, you know like when you exit from one part, but you in the hallway trying to get ready for the next chapter, that's where I am right now. And this in the hallway period has been completely hard sometimes because there is so much that I have held on to over the past 34 years that I have been living. I have been really looking into all the things that I have been holding on to and I have been crying a lot (Just know I hate crying).  So yesterday, I got the court date for my divorce and it had my head in a tailspin because I am still angry about somethings. Funny thing, I am not ma...

You know lately I have been feeling kind of heavy and I do not know if it's because of what I have been healing from lately and for the past to nights I have been just crying. You know for a second I thought it was because my cycle was coming (TMI I know sorry) but then I just realized that it's a lot that is held inside of me; it's time for me to do an inventory. Here we go... Dear Jessica, You know it's crazy how you are sitting in your room crying right now and typing a letter to yourself because deep down you are very hurt by some decisions that you have made in your life. It's crazy that you sit back somedays and you getting angry with yourself because of the expectations you put on yourself. You allowed so many people to take advantage of you, berate you and you just acted like it was okay; but truthfully sat in your room and cried day in and day out because you never felt good enough. I remember a time when you were generally happy but something happened and ...

I have been processing that date for the past few days because I have been plagued with a thought that has me really wondering what happened that day. I think I have to be honest I really do not think that it was an accident at all. I have been processing so much going on lately and now I must break this day down to the fullest; here goes nothing... The day before my birthday started like any other day, I got up and went to get a facial done by a "so called" friend for free. She thought she would treat me to that and I was excited about it. I spent a few hours there, then I went to my house to get ready to go bowling. I was feeling weird that day because I was trying to force myself to be excited about my birthday but I was not really excited at all. My birthday weekend has not been something that I have really wanted to celebrate lately because of the fact that I was proposed to on that weekend by the person I am now divorcing. I find that I dread that weekend even though it...

So much been going on the last few days and I have been so busy with school, working out, and even some other things I have been focusing on; I almost missed the opportunity to write about somethings that I have realized about myself. Its been a lot I have had processing in my mind since I started this healing journey and I have been doing my best not to get overwhelmed with emotion.  I have had so much revealed to me in the past two weeks of this new year; plus I am finally doing the much needed work to heal and be real honest with myself. This journey I have been on with myself as been very tough one lately because of my sensitive but some of the lessons that have been coming back around have hurt a little more this time. It is crazy how the universe will bring a lesson back up to see if you will handle it different or would you still do the whole avoidance thing...  Have you ever sat down to start doing an inventory (shadow work) and the first name that comes to mind that y...

Disclaimer: All that will be shared does not mean this is my here and now, but it is some realness about me that I am finally ready to talk about...  Talking has always been something I have been afraid of because in most cases it never really helped me for the better, I mean in most cases it made me feel worse (until recent years). I am being told that I should talk more because it really is a good thing to do, but in my mind I still feel what good is it doing me; I am going to try it right now, talk openly and freely about things I am processing in this moment and time. I wrote about Toxic Love and how I realized that I was giving myself Toxic Love so I am just as bad as everyone else in my life; in my head all day today I have been processing the thoughts that one blog triggered. All the things that popped up in my mind I never really thought back on and its more so because I did not want to admit that deep inside I am angry with myself for so many different things. Its like my ...

So I had the most emotionally awakening weekends and that brought me to my definition/fear of love and being loved. I never realized until now that how I view love is tied into the daddy issues I have. Its crazy though how this was pointed out in the midst of me finally allowing myself to see him as a person and releasing the emotions on top of cutting ties. Love that I have received in my life has come with a lot of conditions, like people loved me with conditions on it and it was like the person I am was not good enough for them. There were times that I would change everything about me for the people around me to receive their love or accept the different type of (what I now know) abuse from them because I craved love. I am a really sensitive person I realized lately, I really do not like talking about my emotions or being vulnerable but tonight I feel I gotta get this out of my brain so here goes nothing... I crave to be loved in a manner that I had never experienced, crazy thing is...

Insomnia, a place I truly do not like but I know only comes when I have so much built in my brain that I need to sit and process all of it. It's crazy that I get this crazy surge of energy that will keep me up and energized like I have slept all night but truly I have been having a conversation with self and God. Many may be like conversation with self, Yes I am having a live conversation with my spiritual self that is bringing forth more knowledge of this journey past, present, and future; while God (or higher power; whatever you may call it, but I say GOD) is literally breaking somethings down in me that brings a lot full circle in the next 24 to 48 hours.  Let me lay down some back story here.... You see most of my life I have lived what many called a double life, but truthfully that was not it at all. It was more like I had created a covering over the girl, the woman, the majestical person that I truly am because I became tired of being hurt; tired of the emotional rollercoaste...

So today has been a productive day and I say that with a lot of pride because I actually did a lot. I am trying to create new habits in my lifestyle, so that I can continue to better myself. One thing that I have found to be hard in the past is Self Care; I do not know why that has been so hard for me, but this year I want to make that apart of my regular routine.  Like today, I got up I did school work, started my liquid cleanse, and even worked out (Surprisingly, I did everything I was planning to do) and I am so proud of myself because truthfully I never thought I would really stick to the changes I want to make in my life. But then again it is only day 3 and habits take about 10 days to stick so we will see if I am still doing all this in another 7 days.  But on to other things, I am feeling like my mindset about life has changed so much in the past year. I have really overcame a lot in my life and I know that I have so much more to do on this journey; I am excited about a...

It's now the 2nd day of January and I am still recovering from COVID; mainly I still have this stupid cough. I swear sitting in this house has been so tormenting but at the same time it's been kind of cleansing. I mean it's been time for me to reevaluate somethings and regain some really good focus, which truthfully is something that I really needed to end off my last year. I have never really thought out what I wanted to do in my next year, plan out my month, make a vision since like 2013. So I feel like for 2022, I wanted to do something totally different and actually plan things. Doing so became really easy because one of my best friends gave me a "Prayerful Planner" and that made me really excited about a lot of things. I have wanted a "Manifestation Journal", but I did not tell anyone because I was like I will get it; and I was gifted something better than that.  Today, I looked at my class and school load which made me really excited because I am 6...