My Voice

So much been going on the last few days and I have been so busy with school, working out, and even some other things I have been focusing on; I almost missed the opportunity to write about somethings that I have realized about myself. Its been a lot I have had processing in my mind since I started this healing journey and I have been doing my best not to get overwhelmed with emotion. 

I have had so much revealed to me in the past two weeks of this new year; plus I am finally doing the much needed work to heal and be real honest with myself. This journey I have been on with myself as been very tough one lately because of my sensitive but some of the lessons that have been coming back around have hurt a little more this time. It is crazy how the universe will bring a lesson back up to see if you will handle it different or would you still do the whole avoidance thing... 

Have you ever sat down to start doing an inventory (shadow work) and the first name that comes to mind that you need to forgive and heal from is your own? No... just me. Yeah, that is one of the hardest thing that I have had to deal with because I have never really wanted to face the me and make me heal from the things that I caused to happen to myself. But over the years, I have seen that a lot of the things I have gone through were self inflicted because I truly did not love me and now that I am loving me I am seeing where I went wrong.

I have noticed that most of the people I attracted in my past had self destructive behaviors and I would just add on to my self destructive behavior I already had. In the process, I started to become mute (like I no longer would want to talk about anything); when conversation would happen a fight normally would break out, which meant I was being dismissed and over talked things that would piss me off. I just remember anytime I used my voice I would end up in a situation that made me want to never talk again. 

I would just find myself expressing feelings, thoughts, and emotions through music and writing. Listening to music, feeling the words, and singing with all the things that were inside in me I did not feel safe expressing anymore. But with me keeping things in I found myself becoming a type of person I had never been before; I was the side chick while being the girl with a whole roster of people that I was "talking to"; but truly they were filling a void that I did not want to admit I had. 

I felt empty inside because something was missing, funny thing is I did not realize that it was my voice and being able to express myself. I was quick to anger through out this whole time and I could never figure out why I was so hostile. I truly was never this person, I was full of life and had so many dreams and loved to talk to people about my passions, but all that stopped in the midst of one of my most toxic relationships. 

I never thought how much this one relationship got me to hating myself more than my enemies; I literally hated looking in the mirror, I literally felt lost. This kept going up until I had my daughter because things started to change at that point in me. I know now my daughter is about to turn 3 and I am finally opening up about so much; well it's because I refuse to pass on any of this horrible things to her. But for me to teach her different I have to truly learn how to be different with myself now and heal completely. 

I hurt my voice a lot, but I promise you in the past year I have started to let it free. I have so much more that is coming up and out of me and I am thankful I am letting it all out now.

I am still out here #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al