Rethinking Old Depressing Thoughts (Part 1)

So many things have been going through my mind, like different observations about things I notice that I honestly never processed the way I am now. For instance, I have been thinking about states of mind I have been in when I have slipped into deep depressions or when I have gone into my distancing myself mode.

Like have you ever sat back and really looked into why you were thinking the negative or always blaming yourself for things that truthfully probably was not really your fault or was just overthinking the situation and pushed yourself off the edge? Well, I think that I have because today in my mind I keep replaying the thoughts of being not worthy of love.

Yes I said I have been thinking about the thoughts I have had about not being worthy of love. What's wild to me about the thought process I am having now is that I am seeing that I put myself in the rabbit hole of depression behind that. Because if I am honest no one told me I was not worth of love, I told myself that because of the actions of others; but the actions of others is not my fault, that's on them right? 

I allowed myself to down talk how wonderful of a person I am, I loving of a person I am, and overlook all my great qualities because of a bad relationship or a bad break up. It's crazy how one isolated incident or multiple in some people's lives can cause you to think that you are the problem. Now do not get me wrong, sometimes I was the problem, but not all the time; and even if I am the problem it still does not mean I am not worthy of love. 

One thing that I have had to realize in my healing process is that my flaws do not make me unloveable or cause me to be incapable to find the love I FEEL I was lacking. Now if you notice in that sentence I said "feel" and the reason for that is because most of us start to think negatively about ourselves based on feelings, not the reality of a situation. For example, my marriage ended and for the longest time I blamed myself for it and felt like it was all my fault certain things happened the way they did, but in reality that was not my fault. Now do not get me wrong it does sometimes take two people for a relationship to fall apart, but in my instance I blamed myself for the mistakes and things my Ex did to me. In the process of having these feelings I started to say "I am unloveable", but looking at it now from the other side of the coin, I am more than worthy of love than I ever realize. 

You see leaving my marriage was an act of love on my part for myself and just because I did not get that love from another person, does not mean I was not getting the love I deserve or needed. Loving me above anyone else is a type of love that many women forget about when they get lost in their relationship and/or partner; but we have to remember we have to LOVE ourselves first. So tonight, thinking about this thought of not being worthy of love, I actually laughed at myself because truthfully the decision I made almost 3 years ago was the biggest act of love I have ever done for me showing that I am worth it. 

Sometimes making the hard decisions shows you how much you really LOVE you; and this experience of telling myself to see the other side of the coin has made me really look at my life experiences a lot different. Maybe there really is a positive side to some of the darkest moments in your life because I am starting to see my life through different lenses for once. 

But you know there is more to this, but I am getting sleepy.. So until next time make sure you are #LivingWhileSurvivingLife because I know I will. 

-Jess Lore'al