My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

We started the current year and most of my focus has been on my child and school, but this year started off really rocky. The hurt I experienced in the first two months of this put a nail in the coffin on what I knew it was time for me to just heal and move on. January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary. She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift sh...

The new year is here, I found a sorority I was thinking about joining. For many years I have wanted to be apart of greek life and in that moment I felt like it was a sign for me to do something new. I did, and at first I was supported, but then all that shifted especially when I was developing bonds with sisters. It was like a resistance I did not understand. But let's get into some other things that happen in the midst of that. My aunt died and there was no empathy or support sent my way. She acted as if I never said anything about that and went on with life as normal. I crossed into the sorority, there was no celebration; just questions on why they bought you so much stuff, the moment that becomes too much you will leave. Time goes on and we finally moved into our own space, and I was so happy because then I thought things would be different, but sadly I was wrong. Even being in our own space, there were still things that would happen that I would be like really? For instance...

Well as I said in the last blog, I entered my insanity by marrying my last entanglement. Was that what I thought who I'd marry? Honestly, no... But let me lay it out for you on what I wanted, what I got, but now I realize somethings are coming to light. So growing up, I always wanted to get married, be a mother, and be a successful business owner; I thought marriage was something that is beautiful and should be sacred. I would imagine what my proposal would be like, how my engagement party would, my wedding colors, and what kind of wedding dress I would pick out. I dreamed of this most of my young adult years, but how things went was nothing like what I imagined or dreamed. Well I started back talking to her at the beginning at 2016, I set back and listened to how I was not the secondary but the main. I believed all that and we started dating again.... may have not been the smartest thing I have ever done. We had monthly baecations but all along she was still living with the gi...

Well as I ended my last blog, I mentioned that I had an entanglement that I got myself involved in; which was a lot deeper than most may know. So I am going to start this off with saying I have been in multiple entanglements in my lifetime, but I only have 3 that made an impact on my life in many different ways. But first, an entanglement is  a complicated or compromising relationship or situation. Seeing the definition really brings back some memories of somethings I might not be very proud of but I did it, so here goes some more transparency. First entanglement came about while I was dating this one female and she introduced me to her crew of friends; she did not realize that all of them were snakes and really did not care for her at all. But anyways, she went out of town with one that she called her best friend (whom honestly had the biggest crush on me), while out of town she kissed someone else. Her "best friend", who told her I would never find out, ended up calling...

The past few weeks the world has been in an uproar over the "Entanglement" word because of Jada and August but let's be real for a moment; that is not something new because truthfully we all have been in those type of situations. So now because a famous person uses the word we all want to be like that's a new wave. Well I am about to have a real transparent moment with you guys about things that have happened in my life. So as you can see this is called Entrapments/Entanglements/Marriage; I will take each piece and dissect it for you to how these words have an impact on in my life. It's truly time to heal from some serious things that I never realized haunted me. First of entrapment; the definition of an entrapment is  the state of being caught in or as in a trap. Well it's crazy how when you are in a situation that is a trap that you do not see it until you are no longer apart of the situation. Well I was with a female for a few years and no lie that was ...

So in life we all experience things and go through pain differently, and we never allow ourselves to truly process somethings that have been or are still very traumatic/triggering to us. I have had so many different things that have triggered me or been traumatic and now I am finding ways to express/process them. Recently, I realized that have somethings that I may need to process so that people who read my blogs may actually see they can survive this too. So here goes my truth on trauma... Since I was 15 I have dealt with getting unwanted attention from men and women, it was so hard for me to be me and accept my beauty. Boys use to lie and say they slept with me and have my name all in the locker rooms. I experienced guys trapping in me in the hallway because they wanted something from me they knew I was not willing to give but yet they tried to get me anyway. I remember one time I was walking down the hall in a dress for picture day and I was picked up and slammed against locke...

Getting deeper into my truth, I must also speak why I have always been the person that puts herself behind everyone else. In my world, I am known as Superwoman, because I always come in and save the day no matter is going on in my life. Why do I do that you may ask? Well it's a learned behavior from the women in my life. my grandmother and my mother are those type of people and it rubbed off on me.  Over the years, I have progressively gotten worse when it comes to doing things for others and forgetting that I am a person of value and I also need what you call it, TLC. I am a person that knows how to cater well to others, but I neglect myself in many ways. Well recently, I have come to a place where I need to stop that; but it's hard to break old habits. It's so bad that when others try to take care of me, I view that as trying to find a way to control me. Yes I know you are probably thinking how is that trying to control you? Well let me explain it; I grew up in an ...

So many times I have come on here to write and rewrite this one blog all because I did not know if I am truly ready to let out my truth about my life at this moment. Its crazy because you never really acknowledge the fear you have about being real real until thats the only thing you can do. Well today I have to be honest and transparent about what is really going on in my world and why #SurvivingLife is so essential for me. Well I have been unhappy for awhile, but I did not know if it was just internal or if it was over all just in life. Truthfully, for me it has been a lot of things and one of the biggest things is my growing pains. I have been going through and evolving/elevation period the past year and half I would say because I truly noticed it all while I was pregnant. I saw many vision of things that was the grand scale of me and what I am supposed to be doing. But with all that being said, I noticed that I had outgrown some things and people; meaning that I had lost me, but...

You ever sit back and watch your surroundings and wonder why the rain never stops, but then a shift happens... You know all of a sudden peace overtakes you in a way that you think the storm is over but truthfully you just made it to the center of the storm... Well recently, I think I found my peace in the midst of the storm.. or am I just in a Perfect Hurricane... See I have been going through HELL and I mean literally HELL mentally because I have been processing emotions that I did not even realize that I felt. But everything started bubbling up to the surface because I was faced with some real truths in my family that I never thought about, but in that process it put a microscope in my household. So many things started to surface that I legit never thought bothered me but as I started to process deeper, longer, and be real with myself I found that I have been in denial for many years. I have made it seem like what everyone else wanted was okay and that my feelings did not matter ...

Hey hey hey..... It's been so long since I sat down and wrote in this blog of mine. But this quarantine has been no joke; like literally no freaking joke.. I have been battling many thoughts, feelings, emotions, and even I have been trying to figure out whats going on in my own space and around me that I have really not been in that place of sharing my experiences. I honestly feel myself shutting down because life, man, life has been something. I guess with all happening in the world with #BlackLivesMatter I have been avoiding how much my life matters. I mean truthfully, I have been drowning in so much that I literally forgot I truly have a lot messing with my mental. Now the question is: Where do I begin? Well here goes nothing.... I have been dealing with so much on my mental. It's like I forgot how to process things so that I do not know when I am coming or going most days. I feel that in this time in my life I have been hanging on by a thread to whatever I can. ...