Marriage Year 2/3
The new year is here, I found a sorority I was thinking about joining. For many years I have wanted to be apart of greek life and in that moment I felt like it was a sign for me to do something new. I did, and at first I was supported, but then all that shifted especially when I was developing bonds with sisters. It was like a resistance I did not understand.
But let's get into some other things that happen in the midst of that. My aunt died and there was no empathy or support sent my way. She acted as if I never said anything about that and went on with life as normal. I crossed into the sorority, there was no celebration; just questions on why they bought you so much stuff, the moment that becomes too much you will leave. Time goes on and we finally moved into our own space, and I was so happy because then I thought things would be different, but sadly I was wrong.
Even being in our own space, there were still things that would happen that I would be like really? For instance, we were going on a date, but she had on basketball shorts and a t-shirt, but then came home changed into a polo and some nice shorts for a co-workers baby shower. If I wanted to go somewhere it was like pulling teeth because she liked to sit at home and sleep. When we took trips back home to visit family, the trips revolved around her family and my family got a piece of time. I would be rushed while visiting my grandmother, but we would sit in her mom's house all day while her mother was not even interacting with us.
Things got even more rocky in a way, when I found out about my parents' divorcing, I tried to lean on her because it was a lot revealed through this and she literally was like you need to distance yourself from all that because it will affect us and having a baby. Plus you are in school, you need to graduate so you can start working and I can stay home. But that was not the half, the "supposed" friend had another baby so her oldest came to stay with us, then my uncle Reggie died. Everyone knew how close I was to him and it hurt something serious when he died, I went to Texas to be with my mom and grandmother through this hard death. While I was there she calls me and I thought she was calling to see how I was holding up, no she called so I could order her a pizza from dominos and she would pick it up. I was in Houston for a few days, I came back home and because her "supposed" friend had a baby she decided that we should go there instead of me going home and really processing what I have been facing. She never said how are you, she did not check in on me, but she was checking on her "supposed" friend daily.
December comes and I find out I am pregnant, the happiest yet scariest moment of my life; because in that moment I realize that it's no longer going to just be me, will I be able to sit through this or will I need to leave?
Next year is here and I am pregnant, I am not comfortable in my body, I am gaining weight quickly, and I turn to her and she is insensitive and makes matters worse. I felt emotionally alone in my pregnancy. She was physically at all appointments, but making sure my mental was goos nope she was not doing that. She went to a sorority event with me and she put on the biggest front for them like she makes sure everything is good with me at all times. She did not do any of that, I would be up with anxiety and my baby sister would be comforting me, I would be stressing and crying, she would be like you need to find a therapist to help you with that because I do not know what to tell you. She was good at acting like she did more than what she did, she enjoyed the fact that I was tired all the time because that meant she got to sleep. We had our baby shower my mother threw for us, all my friends and family showed, her sister came... that was a problem for her. She only really talked to her family and my mom, she did not help open not one gift, and other people like my brother and father brought me food and things. Not to mention I was in a lot of pain and completely swollen, BUT everyone else was paying attention not her.
She complained often about the fact I was not really able to help with things around the house or how she cannot wait for me to have the baby so she could get her wife back. Towards the end of the pregnancy, I had many scares... 2 of which she was there for and 1 of which I went by myself. The last time I went to the hospital, she could have come she chose not to, and that day was the scariest. I was being told my baby would be taken out that day because they believed she could be damaging something, so they ran all these test. I had not eaten, I was by myself, and I just was plain scared. Its crazy I had to lean on people who lived nowhere near me and not the one I was having the child with. I have Baby E and I feel like I am completely but something has been shaken up in me.
My 32nd birthday comes, I wake up in tears... I am feeling heavy, she leaves me and Baby E then when she comes back she hands me an Old Navy bag with my gift in it. Nothing special.. just another day... Thanksgiving came and it was the WORST, she acted like that did not happen and put me in that situation again at Christmas.....
But hey I have more to how I have been #SurvivingLife
-Jess Lore'al
But let's get into some other things that happen in the midst of that. My aunt died and there was no empathy or support sent my way. She acted as if I never said anything about that and went on with life as normal. I crossed into the sorority, there was no celebration; just questions on why they bought you so much stuff, the moment that becomes too much you will leave. Time goes on and we finally moved into our own space, and I was so happy because then I thought things would be different, but sadly I was wrong.
Even being in our own space, there were still things that would happen that I would be like really? For instance, we were going on a date, but she had on basketball shorts and a t-shirt, but then came home changed into a polo and some nice shorts for a co-workers baby shower. If I wanted to go somewhere it was like pulling teeth because she liked to sit at home and sleep. When we took trips back home to visit family, the trips revolved around her family and my family got a piece of time. I would be rushed while visiting my grandmother, but we would sit in her mom's house all day while her mother was not even interacting with us.
Things got even more rocky in a way, when I found out about my parents' divorcing, I tried to lean on her because it was a lot revealed through this and she literally was like you need to distance yourself from all that because it will affect us and having a baby. Plus you are in school, you need to graduate so you can start working and I can stay home. But that was not the half, the "supposed" friend had another baby so her oldest came to stay with us, then my uncle Reggie died. Everyone knew how close I was to him and it hurt something serious when he died, I went to Texas to be with my mom and grandmother through this hard death. While I was there she calls me and I thought she was calling to see how I was holding up, no she called so I could order her a pizza from dominos and she would pick it up. I was in Houston for a few days, I came back home and because her "supposed" friend had a baby she decided that we should go there instead of me going home and really processing what I have been facing. She never said how are you, she did not check in on me, but she was checking on her "supposed" friend daily.
December comes and I find out I am pregnant, the happiest yet scariest moment of my life; because in that moment I realize that it's no longer going to just be me, will I be able to sit through this or will I need to leave?
Next year is here and I am pregnant, I am not comfortable in my body, I am gaining weight quickly, and I turn to her and she is insensitive and makes matters worse. I felt emotionally alone in my pregnancy. She was physically at all appointments, but making sure my mental was goos nope she was not doing that. She went to a sorority event with me and she put on the biggest front for them like she makes sure everything is good with me at all times. She did not do any of that, I would be up with anxiety and my baby sister would be comforting me, I would be stressing and crying, she would be like you need to find a therapist to help you with that because I do not know what to tell you. She was good at acting like she did more than what she did, she enjoyed the fact that I was tired all the time because that meant she got to sleep. We had our baby shower my mother threw for us, all my friends and family showed, her sister came... that was a problem for her. She only really talked to her family and my mom, she did not help open not one gift, and other people like my brother and father brought me food and things. Not to mention I was in a lot of pain and completely swollen, BUT everyone else was paying attention not her.
She complained often about the fact I was not really able to help with things around the house or how she cannot wait for me to have the baby so she could get her wife back. Towards the end of the pregnancy, I had many scares... 2 of which she was there for and 1 of which I went by myself. The last time I went to the hospital, she could have come she chose not to, and that day was the scariest. I was being told my baby would be taken out that day because they believed she could be damaging something, so they ran all these test. I had not eaten, I was by myself, and I just was plain scared. Its crazy I had to lean on people who lived nowhere near me and not the one I was having the child with. I have Baby E and I feel like I am completely but something has been shaken up in me.
My 32nd birthday comes, I wake up in tears... I am feeling heavy, she leaves me and Baby E then when she comes back she hands me an Old Navy bag with my gift in it. Nothing special.. just another day... Thanksgiving came and it was the WORST, she acted like that did not happen and put me in that situation again at Christmas.....
But hey I have more to how I have been #SurvivingLife
-Jess Lore'al
Comments
Post a Comment