HIM

 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent...

So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that semi hits you no one will care".. Now yes I know these are normal thoughts to have and they are very concerning, but honestly for a person that suffers with the different types of mental healths that I deal with I will be honest, for me it has been normal. I can be in a regular place and think the darkest and scariest things, but I would not dare tell anyone about any of my thoughts. I know how people would react to me having a moment and that is what it was to me a moment, but to outsiders it would be something scary for them to process.

Now like I previously said, I have been dealing with these thoughts most of my life and functioning to a point that no one would know and I have never ever talked about them. Well that is until I met HIM...(for privacy purposes I will refer to this person as HIM because I do not need you in all my business lol) but like I was saying I never opened up about my thoughts or how often I had them until I met HIM. He brought a sense of safety to my life that made it easy to say I am thinking this right now and he could bring me back to reality from the thoughts or I could not say anything about it but his presence would bring my mind to a peaceful place. I honestly was amazed how my mental health started become so much better just because of HIM even in the midst of arguments or disagreements, he had a way of still making it all better.

I can remember sleeping and my "Intrusive Thoughts" attacking me in the midst of me being dead sleep.. when I say I popped up so quickly and I was in a panic, which was the worst panic I had been in in a long while.... I got out of bed, mind you she was in the bed with me, he felt me move.. he woke up and found me on the couch in hysterics.. now the question would be why... well no one knows this but I have nightmares sometimes of me dying or finding my child dead... this particular night the "Intrusive Thought" of choice was a combination of a few of my nightmares.. I was freaking out to say the least... So he found me on the couch, he checked with me first to see if it was okay to approach me... then from there he sat near me and reached his arm out to just let me feel his calming touch... It was like he took my hand so that I could feel his calming breaths to easy me down without saying anything at all. I felt the calmness take over my body and I got to a place where I could talk and she asked "what you need" I let it be known I wanted to lay down... He came and held me close.. rubbed me... and made sure I was at peace so I could fall asleep and stay asleep. 

I never experienced that before and from that day forward he knew when I was having a panic attack.. she would either call or FaceTime me and always knew I needed HIM.. 

Let's fast forward to now, I still have these thoughts but I realized that got really bad back in May.. I have been trying to figure out why and then I realized it's because HIM and I started going through this rough patch and it affected me more than I realized. But despite the changes between us, he is still able to calm me, bring me back, and the one I feel safe with. I have honestly NEVER truly felt that way with anyone because I fear people wanting to have me committed for being a single mom dealing with "Intrusive Thoughts"... I have not done anything to make anyone concern about if I will really do anything... but HER.. he knows the ugly of my mental health and despite it all he stays and treats me like I am completely normal. I will say that I have not felt this type of love, vulnerability, and understanding until HIM.. 

So much more to say but I will stop here.. and like always I am still #LivingWhileSurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al