My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

Soo have you ever felt like you need so many mental health days that you cannot find the time for. Man, I am going to let you in on a little secret; that's where I am at right now. I mean I have been breaking down so much that has gone on in my life these past few months and now I am seeing things I did not allow myself to see before. It's like having blinders removed from my eyes, mind, and heart; I have been really seeking to see the people around me for who they really are. Sometimes you should be careful and mentally ready for what you ask for. I have been breaking down how I have been functioning in friendships and how people in friendships with me have been functioning; I'm starting to notice a major difference with a lot of friends. It's crazy to me though because they way I treat people is exactly how I wished people would treat me. But sadly, a lot of my "Friends" are selfish human beings; which brings me to why I needed another mental health day. ...

Dealing with mental health is something a lot of people do not get into; especially when they know that they are dealing with real mental things. For instance, you had a death in your family, the way you saw your childhood has shifted, and a lot of your important relationships change forever; but instead of processing how it's affecting you and what you think about any of it you push it to the back burner. But one day, it will catch up to you and you will burn out bigger than you realize. Which kind of brings me to why I am writing this blog... Recently, I have been going through so many different things that I have yet to begin to process how I am feeling or what I think about all that's happening around me. I lost a loved one that means a lot to me recently, I have some shifts happening in my friendships and important relationships, and things are surfacing about my childhood that I am getting confirmation on. I think all in all emotionally I am fighting a battle to stay p...

So I got this really heart wrenching phone call from my mother on November 5th, yes last Monday, about my Uncle Reggie passing away. Man, hearing the way my mother sobbed and feeling the breathlessness I felt made this nightmare a reality. You know I only have 2 uncles, one that I could talk noise with and knew he would be spitting it right back and one that was You, Uncle Reggie, who listened and heard me out before trying to get defensive. Either way, everyone knows how much I love you and your brother. But back to what, I was saying; I cannot believe that I will not get those random Facebook calls from you and see all the random messages from you telling me everything I have been missing. We talked like brother and sister even though at times you acted as my dad and not my Uncle lol. You were very protective of me and my mom, you were an amazing dad, and you truly were a great man. I am sitting here days after your homegoing service and I cannot wrap my head around the fact t...

You ever think about what really bothers you when you get upset? You ever search to see why you get upset so easily? Yea I never did either until I noticed that looking in the mirror at myself was hard for me to do and also because I started to get into a violent rage and I started to pick up coping habits that were unhealthy for me a long the way. So after all the commotion that happened because of my sexuality my life went down a very destructive path. I drank just because it was in front of me and I was one that could drink for hours. I would burst into tears because of my emotions and my anger, then things would get scary. I remember one time I was so mad about something very stupid and I wanted to fight, but the person I took it out on was not the person that caused my anger or my pain. I began to flip out and say very hurtful things, plus I got very aggressive. Before I know it I had put my hands on someone that I said I loved and would never hurt. I allowed my anger to consu...

Anger is a funny thing that a lot of people use differently and access at different times; but have you ever been so angry that it turns to rage then to resentment? No. Well I have and it ate at me, making turn into a person that really just did not trust those around me. I had misplaced anger, I became my own worse enemy plus I felt like people in my family hated me, but truly it was all in my head, well parts of it was anyways. You never realize how much you carry inside of you until one day you snap and everything around you is closing in on you. It was February of 2012 and my world was closing in on me in more ways than one; I felt like my relationship with my parents was horrible, my relationship with my little brother was off (for many reasons), and the only person I clung to was my little sister. Sadly, while going through the denial of me being depressed, having anxiety, and other mental things I couldn't identify; I was also dealing with accepting who I was as a person. ...

You ever think you know things and then all of a sudden something happens that changes everything and I mean everything. Well in 2011, that's what happened for me, my life changed in a matter of seconds but I did not see how much this one event would effect me until months later. June 7, 2011, we got the call my great grandmother Ira Mae Davis passed away; a phone call no one was expecting or truly wanted because that woman was the heart of my ENTIRE family. She passed away suddenly in her sleep and crazy thing her death brought forth a lot of mixed emotions amongst some, but for me it's when I realized I do not know how to grieve. Truly and honestly, I still have may days where I am still dealing with her death right now and she's been gone now for 7 years. I learned that I truly knew how to fake it in the moment, but I was internalizing all my feelings and emotions. I will never forget hyperventilating that day at my job and feeling like life was sucked out of me; but t...

Hey world it's me, Jess Lore'al, and I am here to share my story and my life with the you guys. I have really been through a lot over my 31 years of living; I overcame my depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, and so much more. I feel like with all that I have overcome that I would love to share with the world how I did it and also let others know that there is someone out there that truly understands what you are dealing with. Well we are now and let me just get into it.... So it's my three year anniversary of me starting therapy and facing my truths, my hurt, my demons, and my mental health. You know in all honesty I would not be here if  I wouldn't have just gave into to the fact I needed help and it was serious. I had been battling with not knowing how to cope, I had suppressed so many childhood traumas and adult traumas that I had become angry. I would throw my anger on any and everything because it was easier than dealing with my own issues. Until one day, I c...