Anger... Rage... Resentment... What's New?
Anger is a funny thing that a lot of people use differently and access at different times; but have you ever been so angry that it turns to rage then to resentment? No. Well I have and it ate at me, making turn into a person that really just did not trust those around me. I had misplaced anger, I became my own worse enemy plus I felt like people in my family hated me, but truly it was all in my head, well parts of it was anyways. You never realize how much you carry inside of you until one day you snap and everything around you is closing in on you.
It was February of 2012 and my world was closing in on me in more ways than one; I felt like my relationship with my parents was horrible, my relationship with my little brother was off (for many reasons), and the only person I clung to was my little sister. Sadly, while going through the denial of me being depressed, having anxiety, and other mental things I couldn't identify; I was also dealing with accepting who I was as a person. Yes I just said I was having a hard time accepting myself, meaning I am a lesbian; but I grew up christian and people saying"Gay people will all go to Hell". I was in a miserable state because little to others knowledge I had self-hatred going on because of my sexuality. I tried forcing myself to date men for my family because I knew in my heart my parents would never accept my lifestyle or would not give me the scripture lecture. My depression was a lot deeper than anyone realized because I had way more things I was battling that met the human eye.
Well everything came to a head on my little sister's 13th birthday, they did an intervention on me over a tweet that was interrupted the wrong way. When I say "they" I mean my parents, they had my siblings tell me how much they loved and how they did not want me to go to hell for being GAY. I was angry and at that point I couldn't run from myself, my anger, or the fact that I was tired of everything; I was called a demon and other things were said that I honestly do not remember. But one thing I do know is despite what I was going through or how I felt about certain things, I never wanted my sister to take on my hurt or my anger. On this night, I packed 4 garbage bags, a cell phone with no sim card (yes they took the sim card out my phone), and no money to find my way.
That night began the journey of me going deeper and deeper into a depression, hurt, resentment, angry and so many other emotions. This moment in my life started the downward spiral that I had to try and survive life, plus find a way to realize that I AM WHO I AM and nothing is wrong with that. It took a lot of time to get to a place of peace with realizing me trying to please everyone else I will not be happy myself. It is crazy that as I am sitting here looking back on things I have gone through leading to how I overcame, I am realizing how strong I really am. You never know your own strength until being strong is all you can do to survive your own mental health.
Never give up on yourself because of what's going on around you or in your life in the moment, because it really is only temporary especially once you overcome it and learn how to avoid it in the future. We all can #SurviveLife....
-Jess Lore'al
It was February of 2012 and my world was closing in on me in more ways than one; I felt like my relationship with my parents was horrible, my relationship with my little brother was off (for many reasons), and the only person I clung to was my little sister. Sadly, while going through the denial of me being depressed, having anxiety, and other mental things I couldn't identify; I was also dealing with accepting who I was as a person. Yes I just said I was having a hard time accepting myself, meaning I am a lesbian; but I grew up christian and people saying"Gay people will all go to Hell". I was in a miserable state because little to others knowledge I had self-hatred going on because of my sexuality. I tried forcing myself to date men for my family because I knew in my heart my parents would never accept my lifestyle or would not give me the scripture lecture. My depression was a lot deeper than anyone realized because I had way more things I was battling that met the human eye.
Well everything came to a head on my little sister's 13th birthday, they did an intervention on me over a tweet that was interrupted the wrong way. When I say "they" I mean my parents, they had my siblings tell me how much they loved and how they did not want me to go to hell for being GAY. I was angry and at that point I couldn't run from myself, my anger, or the fact that I was tired of everything; I was called a demon and other things were said that I honestly do not remember. But one thing I do know is despite what I was going through or how I felt about certain things, I never wanted my sister to take on my hurt or my anger. On this night, I packed 4 garbage bags, a cell phone with no sim card (yes they took the sim card out my phone), and no money to find my way.
That night began the journey of me going deeper and deeper into a depression, hurt, resentment, angry and so many other emotions. This moment in my life started the downward spiral that I had to try and survive life, plus find a way to realize that I AM WHO I AM and nothing is wrong with that. It took a lot of time to get to a place of peace with realizing me trying to please everyone else I will not be happy myself. It is crazy that as I am sitting here looking back on things I have gone through leading to how I overcame, I am realizing how strong I really am. You never know your own strength until being strong is all you can do to survive your own mental health.
Never give up on yourself because of what's going on around you or in your life in the moment, because it really is only temporary especially once you overcome it and learn how to avoid it in the future. We all can #SurviveLife....
-Jess Lore'al
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