My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

 I was asked the most interesting question recently and it was "Do you feel guilty, ashamed, or what are your feelings about your life right now?" I honestly had to think about it and when I did, I just was like, "I am at peace"; funny thing is I did not think I was at peace with my life and my circumstances because I am still facing new challenges each day, but I am honestly do have inner peace. You see, I have cried about my circumstance, I have asked so many questions, I have gotten really angry, but now I have reached this place of peace because I have found me.  Over the years, I have lost myself in all the things going on in my life, I lost my desire to want to be creative, to sing, and to do all the things that I love. I am the biggest nerd you would ever meet because I love to read books about any and everything, I like to sit outside and enjoy nature, I love to listen to all types of music, dance around being silly, and lastly I love to be creative. But wit...

 So it's been awhile since I have posted on this site and it has been so much going on. I know that I really should have been releasing some of this built up hurt. It's hard sometimes when you are surviving your world around you that you forget to actually try to heal or release in the process. I have been through a lot of changes in my life and some changes that I am still going through at this moment. But there has been some hurts that I have noticed I need to release to finally put a nail or two in the coffin that is my past.  So tomorrow would be my wedding anniversary and I would be celebrating 4 years and also 13 years off and on with this one person; a place of complacency and what I thought was my comfort. So you can imagine that lately my mind has been all over the place; but I think yesterday I hit my breaking point and I mean the place where I finally realize that I DESERVE all the great things that are happening to me right now.  For so many years, I honestly ...

People run from the truth, there is many different versions/types of truth; and in life we experience all of them. We learn in our different walks of life how the truth is powerful, but also something that we as people fear to face. We actually will run from the truth and build a non-existent reality so that we can keep moving like everything is fine even when at times it may not be.  Truth is something that is freeing, helps you move forward, and also brings you to a better understanding of self and those around you. So why do we avoid it? Because it most cases we like to not know the truth so we can live in denial; well honestly, I am not one of those people lately. I have been healing and owning things about myself, my life, and my situations; I decided that I no longer want to live in the imaginary world, but in reality where I can continue to evolve and grow.  Many may not know this but my birthday is coming up on September 6, and truthfully I am not excited; I know that ...

In life, we have so many people that come across our paths that teach us things in one of two ways; one is giving us wisdom and knowledge, then the other is by taking us through something that teaches us a lesson. With both ways we gain so much more insight and wisdom, but we fail to appreciate the wisdom because of how it came, who it came from, and what we had to go through to get that wisdom.  I have gained so much in my life that I find it so funny how people react when I say that I grew up with 13 grandparents; yes I said 13 grandparents that I learned a lot from over the course of life. Some were around for years and others were only around for a little while but they imparted so much in me that some of my characteristics are from them. There is a meme that I saw one day that said something along of getting wisdom from your elders and the little girl was sitting at her grandmother's feet; well I was that little girl. My life consisted of me always being with my grandparents a...

Appreciation means  recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something; now that we have the textbook definition of the word, let's talk about what it means in real life. It means to show someone how much you care, love, and how much you are grateful for them; appreciation makes people feel better and sometimes it gives people a feeling that they probably have not felt ever. But sometimes we forget to show that appreciation to ourselves as well, so that is something that I have been trying to get my self-love back to a great place. I realized that during my healing I was longing for a love that I could not get from anywhere but myself. I truthfully did not know where to begin with that being that I have never really witness anyone loving themselves more than whatever they were going through. Self- Love is something that comes in many different ways, its preserving your peace, removing yourself from toxic situations, and it's even loving you unconditionally....

 After releasing so much heavy stuff you have to get yourself back to a place of love, peace, and appreciation of how far you have come. In healing it gets so heavy that at times we forget the beauty in who were are and how great life has been besides those moments that brought us so much pain.  Appreciation seems to be something that a lot of people have a hard time with especially when needing to express it to others and ourselves. We forget to appreciate what we have done, overcome, and even accomplished in life; because we have been conditioned that it's not important to show love to oneself or those around for what they have done. Well that is wrong thinking because truthfully we need that recharge from within and around to help us do better and to keep going. Lately in my own personal journey, I realized that I have not been recharging myself or even giving myself that type of appreciation that is needed that I know that I am doing a great job and to keep pushing. So I m...

 I have been really dreading having to write this and really talk about some stuff that I have been through that I have yet to release. I have faced so many things in life that sometimes I forget that I am no longer that person, but at the same time I have to truly and honestly forgive that person. I sometimes still feel the hurt of things I feel like I caused in my life and even though I have healed from it I still seem to get emotional or hurt behind it because I need to release it all. So I am just warning you this will be a VERY LONG release. I honestly do not know where to begin, because anywhere I start I feel it will be heavier than what I want it to be and I am going to honestly be balling my eyes out because I really need all this off of me. So I am going to start from the beginning... I need to release the feelings of anger and hatred toward two of my cousins who literally took my innocence from me and made me feel that sex is not a thing of pleasure or for desire, it's a...

Grief is something that has been hard for me to process and I have held on to the hurt for many years. I have experienced some really hard deaths in my life, but there were 3 that were life changing for me. I never thought the fact of me holding on to these deaths would have affected me the way they have; but truthfully they have. Death 1: My Granny Granny, Ira Mae Davis My granny granny literally was my world, she was there for all my hurt, and she loved me through my pain. She was the one person that always knew just what I needed to hear and she was the woman who taught me that God is truly the only one to fear. I have the greatest memories with my great grandmother, it was like she was my first best friend. I know that the woman I am today is because of her, I learned about God, cooking, cleaning, and even how to be strong and make it through whatever I face. I cried to my granny about life, my parents, and just because; so when things in her health took I turn my life took a turn....

 Many people in life deal with having issues with their father, but a lot of those people deal with them because that individual was not presence or whatever their story may be; but for myself my father was there, I just feel I was never wanted by him. It's hard to grow up around a man and watch him love, cherish, and adore your siblings, but act as if you are a burden, don't exist, and do not deserve love. I have so many childhood memories that bring hurt, pain, and anger to my forefront that now I am realizing I need to release all of it.  My relationship with my father did not start off ideal for many reasons; he was an alcoholic. He drank more than anything in life and it was something he could not control on any level, so I thought; he enjoyed being away from the house and family more than anything. My dad never really built a bond with me that honestly I felt all little girls want and deserve. I do not have that kind of relationship with him and my siblings, well my brot...

 The title in itself is deeper than most will truly realize and might not understand that this post will be an open letter between me and myself because this is some serious baggage I must release. You ever just know something is going to be heavy before you sit down to talk about it, so you try to avoid it; well this right here is that topic and conversation for me. But as always, I am completely transparent and will be even more so tonight. So let me start this off by saying that for many years I have not truly and honestly loved myself; I did not know what that even meant until recently. I would be the first person to cut myself down before someone else could and I learned this behavior from my father because that is literally all he would do to me. He would talk about my weight, my intelligence, and my hair, oh and let me not forget he would talk about how bright I am as well.  My father would call me chubby even if I was small, which I soon developed body dysmorphia issue...

In my last blog I said that I would open up about something I normally would keep to myself, but in this process of release I am realizing that this something I need to let go of for real. So today I am about to have a very raw and vulnerable moment, something that I try to do often but today I feel it might be the deepest I have gone in awhile. I have noticed that I have a fear of a lot of things, but the most powerful fear I had is/was the fear of allowing someone to give me what I deserve. I lately realized that I am AFRAID of being loved properly because I feel that once people see my flaws or the imperfect me they will no longer want me. I have noticed that I become very timid and withdrawn when people desire me the way I desire them or if they express and show they have real deep feelings for me; I have been having a hard time trying to figure out why I push people away when I know people really are feeling me.  I am so use to people neglecting me that when someone pays close...

 So I have been going through a releasing process lately and yesterday I realized that in my life I have allowed a lot things I should not have, which caused me to get upset with myself all over again. I immediately stopped myself but then I thought I have a lot to be released so today I will start with part 1 of it all. For many years, I have been the "fall back plan", someone's "Plan B", or even been a second rate option in friendships, relationships, and even family. I have allowed those that told me they love/loved me to always put me on a shelf and just pick me up when they need something from me. I was never the main girl of choice which really was something that many never knew affected me because I allowed this to shrink my self esteem.  With family, I noticed that when it came to doing things, wanting things, or needing things I was last thought of especially when it came to my father. I was never included and I was never wanted around, but when it came...

 So yesterday I started talking about releasing and how it is a good thing for your mental and to help you get things in order for your healing and your process. Today, I am going to go into detail on release on a personal level for myself. This past weekend I spent a good majority of it saging myself and my surroundings because the energy was off and it was really starting to way on me in the worst way. I found myself with a massive headache, not being able to shake it, and then Sunday I emotionally broke in the worst way. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and that led to an anxiety attack in the worst way. So let me allow myself to explain.. I have always dealt with feeling like I was unwanted, unloved, abandoned, and rejected by the ONLY man that I have ever really loved. Most of my issues stemmed from my childhood, but it got worse because as I got older it seemed like he showed me more and more how little he cared about me. My mental health issues and body dysmorphia issue...

Today started off way too rough for me and I literally fell apart. I had a breakdown that I really did not know where from and why now; but I can tell you it was a deep and sorrowful cry. I know I have been on this healing journey and I have been doing this journey very publicly because that's the way I was lead to do it, being that others can see whatever they face they can overcome. Well today, I will be honest felt like a day that the negative was going to win, and I mean beat me up and win win. I had no desire of doing anything at all today, because the life was sucked out of me before I even woke up this morning. It's like I woke up fighting a battle that I was set up to lose. But I guess the enemy forget who i was because I did for a second. I worked out thinking that would help me, it did until I hit my house and I felt the combative energy I walked into. I had been trying not to allow it to affect me, but it hit me so hard that I lost it. And all I felt was the burning ...

Lately, I have been dealing with the emotional aftermath of publicly healing. This has been harder than I thought especially reliving moments I personally have tried to forget. I cannot believe how much lighter it made me feel, but yet I then realized that I had not done one key thing; and that was FORGIVE ME. Yes, I said I had not forgiven me, you might ask why would I need to forgive myself; well because after reliving my life I started to see how upset I was at myself for putting myself through somethings I could have avoided. If we are being honest with ourselves there are times we look back at things we go through and get upset at oneself for not preventing that or feeling like we allowed things that we never would have allowed in other time. So for the past few days, that had been me; I literally spazzed on my personal facebook because I legit was so upset and could not realize who or why I really was mad. Then it hit me, I was/am mad at myself. Granted, most of things I went...

We started the current year and most of my focus has been on my child and school, but this year started off really rocky. The hurt I experienced in the first two months of this put a nail in the coffin on what I knew it was time for me to just heal and move on. January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary. She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift sh...

The new year is here, I found a sorority I was thinking about joining. For many years I have wanted to be apart of greek life and in that moment I felt like it was a sign for me to do something new. I did, and at first I was supported, but then all that shifted especially when I was developing bonds with sisters. It was like a resistance I did not understand. But let's get into some other things that happen in the midst of that. My aunt died and there was no empathy or support sent my way. She acted as if I never said anything about that and went on with life as normal. I crossed into the sorority, there was no celebration; just questions on why they bought you so much stuff, the moment that becomes too much you will leave. Time goes on and we finally moved into our own space, and I was so happy because then I thought things would be different, but sadly I was wrong. Even being in our own space, there were still things that would happen that I would be like really? For instance...

Well as I said in the last blog, I entered my insanity by marrying my last entanglement. Was that what I thought who I'd marry? Honestly, no... But let me lay it out for you on what I wanted, what I got, but now I realize somethings are coming to light. So growing up, I always wanted to get married, be a mother, and be a successful business owner; I thought marriage was something that is beautiful and should be sacred. I would imagine what my proposal would be like, how my engagement party would, my wedding colors, and what kind of wedding dress I would pick out. I dreamed of this most of my young adult years, but how things went was nothing like what I imagined or dreamed. Well I started back talking to her at the beginning at 2016, I set back and listened to how I was not the secondary but the main. I believed all that and we started dating again.... may have not been the smartest thing I have ever done. We had monthly baecations but all along she was still living with the gi...

Well as I ended my last blog, I mentioned that I had an entanglement that I got myself involved in; which was a lot deeper than most may know. So I am going to start this off with saying I have been in multiple entanglements in my lifetime, but I only have 3 that made an impact on my life in many different ways. But first, an entanglement is  a complicated or compromising relationship or situation. Seeing the definition really brings back some memories of somethings I might not be very proud of but I did it, so here goes some more transparency. First entanglement came about while I was dating this one female and she introduced me to her crew of friends; she did not realize that all of them were snakes and really did not care for her at all. But anyways, she went out of town with one that she called her best friend (whom honestly had the biggest crush on me), while out of town she kissed someone else. Her "best friend", who told her I would never find out, ended up calling...

The past few weeks the world has been in an uproar over the "Entanglement" word because of Jada and August but let's be real for a moment; that is not something new because truthfully we all have been in those type of situations. So now because a famous person uses the word we all want to be like that's a new wave. Well I am about to have a real transparent moment with you guys about things that have happened in my life. So as you can see this is called Entrapments/Entanglements/Marriage; I will take each piece and dissect it for you to how these words have an impact on in my life. It's truly time to heal from some serious things that I never realized haunted me. First of entrapment; the definition of an entrapment is  the state of being caught in or as in a trap. Well it's crazy how when you are in a situation that is a trap that you do not see it until you are no longer apart of the situation. Well I was with a female for a few years and no lie that was ...

So in life we all experience things and go through pain differently, and we never allow ourselves to truly process somethings that have been or are still very traumatic/triggering to us. I have had so many different things that have triggered me or been traumatic and now I am finding ways to express/process them. Recently, I realized that have somethings that I may need to process so that people who read my blogs may actually see they can survive this too. So here goes my truth on trauma... Since I was 15 I have dealt with getting unwanted attention from men and women, it was so hard for me to be me and accept my beauty. Boys use to lie and say they slept with me and have my name all in the locker rooms. I experienced guys trapping in me in the hallway because they wanted something from me they knew I was not willing to give but yet they tried to get me anyway. I remember one time I was walking down the hall in a dress for picture day and I was picked up and slammed against locke...

Getting deeper into my truth, I must also speak why I have always been the person that puts herself behind everyone else. In my world, I am known as Superwoman, because I always come in and save the day no matter is going on in my life. Why do I do that you may ask? Well it's a learned behavior from the women in my life. my grandmother and my mother are those type of people and it rubbed off on me.  Over the years, I have progressively gotten worse when it comes to doing things for others and forgetting that I am a person of value and I also need what you call it, TLC. I am a person that knows how to cater well to others, but I neglect myself in many ways. Well recently, I have come to a place where I need to stop that; but it's hard to break old habits. It's so bad that when others try to take care of me, I view that as trying to find a way to control me. Yes I know you are probably thinking how is that trying to control you? Well let me explain it; I grew up in an ...

So many times I have come on here to write and rewrite this one blog all because I did not know if I am truly ready to let out my truth about my life at this moment. Its crazy because you never really acknowledge the fear you have about being real real until thats the only thing you can do. Well today I have to be honest and transparent about what is really going on in my world and why #SurvivingLife is so essential for me. Well I have been unhappy for awhile, but I did not know if it was just internal or if it was over all just in life. Truthfully, for me it has been a lot of things and one of the biggest things is my growing pains. I have been going through and evolving/elevation period the past year and half I would say because I truly noticed it all while I was pregnant. I saw many vision of things that was the grand scale of me and what I am supposed to be doing. But with all that being said, I noticed that I had outgrown some things and people; meaning that I had lost me, but...