My Untold Truth: Releasing Strong Hurt

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 So it's been awhile since I have posted on this site and it has been so much going on. I know that I really should have been releasing some of this built up hurt. It's hard sometimes when you are surviving your world around you that you forget to actually try to heal or release in the process.

I have been through a lot of changes in my life and some changes that I am still going through at this moment. But there has been some hurts that I have noticed I need to release to finally put a nail or two in the coffin that is my past. 

So tomorrow would be my wedding anniversary and I would be celebrating 4 years and also 13 years off and on with this one person; a place of complacency and what I thought was my comfort. So you can imagine that lately my mind has been all over the place; but I think yesterday I hit my breaking point and I mean the place where I finally realize that I DESERVE all the great things that are happening to me right now. 

For so many years, I honestly thought that I did not and could not ever be at peace, truly happy, or even truly able to say I'm done; well I learned that yesterday I can be done and not really care anymore about what happens to anyone else. I want to live in the moment. Well here goes...

So I have been hurt by one person for so many years without even thinking of the pain they caused me, I allowed so much to sit on my happy, and destroy the things I use to love more than life. You see when you fall in love with a person sometimes you will start to do things that person loves and lose yourself in the thought of being loved truly and honestly. But when I really looked at it, I was not being loved for who I am, I was being loved for who I was being turned into. I started not to recognize myself because of all that I changed for someone else, I literally was not doing the things that I love, and I made everything about her and our marriage. 

I stopped writing, singing, and even just being that randomly goofy person that I am. Coloring, cooking, and just being having to have a playful nature with someone that genuinely is there for me. Well recently, there has been so much that I have been revealing to the ones around me and now I am having to bring myself to grips with the fact it all happened and to let it go.

You see I have dealt with physical abuse more than once in my life, from more than one person and not just from someone I dated but also from family. I have overcome so much, but yet I never allowed people to know my truth or honestly see my pain; because I always thought I needed to protect people that would NEVER protect me. Well, all that changes in this moment because I AM TIRED of being an afterthought in my own life and other people's life. I am taking back control of everything that I really deserve and want out of life.

So let's be real for a moment, I have been hurt and I mean really hurt in my marriage; I have been trying to figure out why I sat in this hurt alone and not allow anyone be there for me through some damaging things. I cried alone, I have mourned alone, and now I started realizing that I cannot just heal alone; I have my moments with crying and losing my sanity because of what's happening in my personal life, but after yesterday again I say something broke inside me, because today I woke up feeling a lot lighter and at peace.

Here is why I WAS hurt:

1. Physical Abuse

2. Under Appreciated

3. Not protected on any level

4. Mental/Emotional Abuse 

5. Neglected

6. Conditional Love

But now I have changed my language to this:

1. I love me UNCONDITIONALLY

2. I appreciate me UNCONDITIONALLY

3. I protect me ALWAYS

4. I take care of my MENTAL/EMOTIONAL Health

5. I give myself great SELF-CARE

With going through what I have, I have realized that I just needed to change the narrative and that I have. I no longer care what others think, the smile I have is a smile I put there because I love me. This strong hurt had to go and now it's gone. Back to me being me!

So writing I will do again freely while I continue to #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al 

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