The Toy on The Shelf

For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that. 

Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it. 

For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really are feeling me. I do believe a lot of my problem is that I give way more of me than what people are willing to give me. I literally will give all of me; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically to people that will half way give me attention, and then when you tell people that you feel that they are playing you they are like no.

I hate being the play thing, the toy on the shelf, the one that comes in handed when the person I want is feeling unwanted by whomever is in their life at the moment. I really think that sometimes that is all I am good for; being the fall back plan, being option number 2. I mean I even felt last in my own marriage; which is crazy to me because she wanted to marry me (supposedly). 

Think about feeling like an afterthought no matter what aspect in your life most of your life, crazy thing about all this is I allowed people to use me as a toy, play object, or a distraction from their lives only because I longed for attention. Feeling as though no one sees you and then you one day are noticed even for a moment, it makes you feel good; but as of recently I noticed that I do not like it at all. I must admit that it really hurts my feelings that I am the back up plan and that I am "the toy on the shelf".

I really feel that as of right now I am reclaiming my time from all the people that have used me when they are bored, not getting what they want from their partners, or just feel like using me for a good time. I feel like a lot of this is due to the kind of self esteem I have and I feel like I don't deserve to be the number one or I believe people when they say they feel one thing but their actions only show I am the play thing and not someone they take seriously.

The worst feeling in the world is to be in love with someone that only see you as a toy that takes the stress away when they need a break but does not give you the time of day any other time. Or being really into someone that only wants to talk to you when they have free time, but will never free up time for you like you do them. I have realized that people make time for those they want and all others get whatever is left over if anything at all. 

This year I want to stop allowing that because that really is not who I am, I am someone's first choice and I am my first choice. But until next time...

I am still #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al