Release Part 1: Being The Back Up Plan

 So I have been going through a releasing process lately and yesterday I realized that in my life I have allowed a lot things I should not have, which caused me to get upset with myself all over again. I immediately stopped myself but then I thought I have a lot to be released so today I will start with part 1 of it all.

For many years, I have been the "fall back plan", someone's "Plan B", or even been a second rate option in friendships, relationships, and even family. I have allowed those that told me they love/loved me to always put me on a shelf and just pick me up when they need something from me. I was never the main girl of choice which really was something that many never knew affected me because I allowed this to shrink my self esteem. 

With family, I noticed that when it came to doing things, wanting things, or needing things I was last thought of especially when it came to my father. I was never included and I was never wanted around, but when it came to having, doing, or just thinking my father was always thought of first. I noticed that this relationship and dynamic is how most of my relationships went on in my life. Because I thought that this was a way of life and was acceptable, when truthfully it was not. 

I have had people I have been interested in romantically that would one minute ACT as if they felt the same and the next turn all that off. Truthfully, I had a particular person that would always tell me how they loved me, wanted to be with me, and then would only want to show those feelings when they were mad at their mate at the time or only express the love when they were going through and I was there for them. Being the fall back plan was something I found to be the comfortable place for so long that I expected all people that became interested in me to do me that way. I will be honest, in the beginning of my marriage it bothered me but then I became accustom to it because it was not different from anything else I have been through.

Raw moment: if someone gives me all their attention, I get nervous and do not know what to do with that because I am not use to getting what I honestly DESERVE especially from someone saying they love and care for me. I become fearful because I think that if I get use to something like that I will end up getting hurt worse. I know its backwards to be fearful of someone giving me what I want and long for and accepting the pain of being second rate. I'll explain in a future blog. 

Back to this, I still have people in my life today, that literally will put me on the back burner and only hit me when they need healing, attention, to feel something they not getting from their mate, or just because they enjoy playing with my emotions. Sad part is some days I have honestly allowed them to do this and I feel myself get angry with them, but truthfully I can only really be mad at myself because I am ALLOWING it. 

Well recently, I spoke up for myself about how I was feeling with one particular person because I got really offended that they actually hinted at I was a fall back, and I lost it. But as I was losing it, they retreated from what was stated and tried to make it seem like I was never that and I have ALWAYS been "The One"... Now let's go with this, I did not allow that to stop me from releasing honesty and my truth because that was a strategic thought process to pull me back in. And for the first time, I picked up on it all. 

I noticed things I never really paid attention to when it came to this person and others that I have in my life. I truly think that for years because I have walked around with my hurt, my pain, my anger, my depression, and my frustration blinding me I never saw what was right in front of me, but now that I possess none of those things and I have HEALED I am seeing people and their intentions for who and what they are. 

This release will be really uncomfortable because I am seeing that things are being revealed that I have tried to ignore and now I have to face them head on. Being a "Fall Back" "Second Rate" "Plan B" is something that I am NOT and I will no longer accept in any aspect of my life. 

I am grateful to be releasing because now I can finally get to the root of why I have built myself up the way I have and now I am learning new habits, affirmations, and ways to do things so I cannot mess up new things to come.

But there's more to be released as I continue #SurvivingLife 

-Jess Lore'al