Release Part 3: Self- Hatred

 The title in itself is deeper than most will truly realize and might not understand that this post will be an open letter between me and myself because this is some serious baggage I must release. You ever just know something is going to be heavy before you sit down to talk about it, so you try to avoid it; well this right here is that topic and conversation for me. But as always, I am completely transparent and will be even more so tonight.

So let me start this off by saying that for many years I have not truly and honestly loved myself; I did not know what that even meant until recently. I would be the first person to cut myself down before someone else could and I learned this behavior from my father because that is literally all he would do to me. He would talk about my weight, my intelligence, and my hair, oh and let me not forget he would talk about how bright I am as well. 

My father would call me chubby even if I was small, which I soon developed body dysmorphia issues because I would see an overweight person even though I am literally nowhere near that truthfully. I started to think that I would never be a perfect small size like my little sister (which is who he compared me to ALL THE TIME); I got to a point that I did not like me because of my weight. Piece of the puzzle part one, I disliked who I was and how I looked; self esteem falling all the way down. 

Overtime, I started to notice my teeth and I hated my smile, others would tell me my smile was beautiful, but I could not stand it at all. I would hide my smile all the time or just not smile because who wants a smile with crooked, over-crowded teeth I did not. I also had a problem with my glasses, it could have been because people teased me about them or just because I hated how thick they were. But there goes me again tearing myself down and hating something else I could not change about myself. 

I started the self-hatred at a young age and it got worse over time, I was on another level by the time I hit high school and what made it so much worse was the fact that BOYS! The minute I would reject someone all of a sudden I was everything under the sun that was not a compliment; Shit I thought all this already about myself so all you doing is confirming was my mindset. I became very withdrawn from reality when it came to what I looked like, who I was, and loving anything about me. I wrote depressing poetry and I thought of suicide more than normal. 

My hatred for self was never noticed by anyone because those same people truly never really paid attention. I was told things that most children, girls, or even people should not be told because it does not help uplift or build it tears down and makes a person feel worse. I literally sat back many days and just cried because I felt alone; I only told one person in life how I saw myself and that was my great grandmother. I told her everything because I felt she was the only person who loved me unconditionally and truthfully the only person who knew everything about me. 

My granny cried and then told me, "Baby you were made special, God makes no mistakes. You are beautiful from the inside out; while everyone else is beautiful from the outside in!" In that moment, I did not know what that meant but I still searched to be loved and for me to feel love. I dated the wrong people, hung around the wrong people, dumbed myself down, and ran from anything that made me have to face my true issues with self. 

I began to drink to cope with the fact that I would look in the mirror and just cry my eyes out. I did this until I could not longer take it anymore. Self-Hatred over took everything that is/was me, until I got tired of hurting and I wanted to feel whole. So that's when I started therapy because I need something to heal me within and help me to find why I hate me so bad.

Through therapy, I started to find a love for the woman I am and it became something even more empowering when I was able to look in the mirror and just smile with no hesitation. As this healing started to take place I noticed that people who saw my true beauty would tell me and I would accept it, and then process it differently. I would allow it to add on to me and not think there was a motive behind it. Do not get me wrong this process is not easy whatsoever.

Now that I have let that out, I will say that the release of Self-Hatred is something that is going to make you really have to forgive yourself on another level. I mean it when I say this has been the hardest thing for me to have to forgive myself for. I legit have battled with myself on this because I caused myself to become broken because I did this to myself. 

"Jessica, i forgive you for not loving you properly, for not seeing your true beauty for years. I forgive you for allowing others to cause you to hate you when truly you should have been loving you! I forgive you for wasting time thinking that you deserved certain things because you created an image of less than. Jessica, I love you unconditionally and I forgive you wholeheartedly! All this is being released to never be picked up again."

In this release I have learned the best way to get a point across is to allow people to be apart of every step of how you get through. You can take what I said above and apply it to yourself and remember you deserve love. So lets just fall in love with ourselves as we continue on this journey #SurvivingLife

- Jess Lore'al