Release Part 2: Fear

-

In my last blog I said that I would open up about something I normally would keep to myself, but in this process of release I am realizing that this something I need to let go of for real. So today I am about to have a very raw and vulnerable moment, something that I try to do often but today I feel it might be the deepest I have gone in awhile.

I have noticed that I have a fear of a lot of things, but the most powerful fear I had is/was the fear of allowing someone to give me what I deserve. I lately realized that I am AFRAID of being loved properly because I feel that once people see my flaws or the imperfect me they will no longer want me. I have noticed that I become very timid and withdrawn when people desire me the way I desire them or if they express and show they have real deep feelings for me; I have been having a hard time trying to figure out why I push people away when I know people really are feeling me. 

I am so use to people neglecting me that when someone pays close attention to me and notices everything about me. Which most people would be excited about because that's what they have always wanted in life, but me because I have so much damage that has happened I fear being loved deeply and unconditionally. Well if I'm being raw, it's because I do not feel I deserve what I have always wanted in love. Being someone that was always put on the back burner no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I started to feel like I was not deserving or that I just needed to accept what I could get.

One thing that also made it all worse was the fact that I was told a lot of negative things out of anger, for example, no one will ever love you and if they do it's only because they want something from you. So I started to believe that, I started to think that if someone showed me they really cared that they will either leave me, only wanted something from me, or it was all just a hurtful prank. I do not know why I was conditioned this way but as I got older it just seemed to get worse; I only attracted those that really did not care that much for me and the ones that did I ran from. 

FEAR of rejection, FEAR of abandonment, and FEAR of being hurt have ruled my life for so long that I have not allowed anything new in and I also returned to past relationships that I should have left where they were. But instead I put myself through extra hurt, extra damage, and extra depression just because I would not allow myself to properly heal and let God show me something real. But one thing that I know for sure is that I did not love me either unconditionally because I legit would put me down and scare myself out of things I knew I deserved. 

Fear has truly not been that great in my world, it has caused me to more than likely miss out on things, opportunities, and maybe even people that could have helped me be in a place that is way better than where I am right now in this moment. But everything I have been through brought me to this place I am in right now because it helped me realize that I needed a deeper spiritual release and healing to get me to a place where I now can handle being LOVED by not only myself but also by others. 

Releasing is powerful, and it helps you get better in you and what your purpose is. Fear is now released so here's to me moving forward in my healing on my journey #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rethinking Old Depressing Thoughts (Part 1)

-
So many things have been going through my mind, like different observations about things I notice that I honestly never processed the way I am now. For instance, I have been thinking about states of mind I have been in when I have slipped into deep depressions or when I have gone into my distancing myself mode. Like have you ever sat back and really looked into why you were thinking the negative or always blaming yourself for things that truthfully probably was not really your fault or was just overthinking the situation and pushed yourself off the edge? Well, I think that I have because today in my mind I keep replaying the thoughts of being not worthy of love. Yes I said I have been thinking about the thoughts I have had about not being worthy of love. What's wild to me about the thought process I am having now is that I am seeing that I put myself in the rabbit hole of depression behind that. Because if I am honest no one told me I was not worth of love, I told myself that becau...
Read more

HIM

-
 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent... So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that sem...
Read more

The Toy on The Shelf

-
For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...
Read more