Appreciation Part 3: My Truth

-
People run from the truth, there is many different versions/types of truth; and in life we experience all of them. We learn in our different walks of life how the truth is powerful, but also something that we as people fear to face. We actually will run from the truth and build a non-existent reality so that we can keep moving like everything is fine even when at times it may not be. 

Truth is something that is freeing, helps you move forward, and also brings you to a better understanding of self and those around you. So why do we avoid it? Because it most cases we like to not know the truth so we can live in denial; well honestly, I am not one of those people lately.
I have been healing and owning things about myself, my life, and my situations; I decided that I no longer want to live in the imaginary world, but in reality where I can continue to evolve and grow. 

Many may not know this but my birthday is coming up on September 6, and truthfully I am not excited; I know that is something really crazy to say but I am not remotely excited about it. Last year, I woke up crying on my birthday and this year I feel like the same thing might just happen. I do not know if it will be tears of joy or tears of sorrow but I feel that I will be a little distraught. See how I figure that is because my anxiety is going through the roof lately, I am having panic attacks in my sleep, and even throughout my day; and they started happening exactly 2 weeks out from my birthday. Some may say why would your birthday make you anxious? Well I will be frank, it's because this is a big birthday in numerology I am turning the magical 33, yes I am turning 33; and there is a shift that has been happening all around me. 

The past few months I have been healing and processing some major things that I did not realize that I truly was holding to and maybe it was because I did not realize that I was not walking in my truth honestly. So I started unpacking things one by one, healing publicly, and then overcoming some emotional hurdles I felt needed to be handled because I was tired of feeling like I was; well I started getting the peace I desired and feeling a lot lighter in life, but now the anxiety is here and I am wondering why. My anxiety comes and goes, but when it comes it hits hard like real hard leaving me having many restless nights and unnecessary headaches. 

It started the day before my photoshoot, I was extremely anxious, I figured it was nerves/my body dysmorphia and I just prayed my way through; well it looks like I was wrong, because I am still anxious and I am like why. Then this morning, I started to think and realized my birthday is coming, I am turning 33, and I am in the process of a divorce. Typing out the word DIVORCE just brought tears to my eyes because never in a million years did I think I would have a 1 year old child and be getting divorced. The fear of the unknown is causing all kinds of anxiety, not knowing what's to come, and thinking about will this affect my daughter negatively but yet knowing it won't because I am a DAMN good mother and her mama loves her unconditionally. Subconsciously, I am making myself anxious about this next chapter of life even though I know it's only up from here especially with all the healing, evolving, and elevating I have been doing.

My new reality is my truth, I have not been able to speak this yet because I feel that I had not truly accepted the biggest change that is happening in 33 other my scholastic achievements that I am really excited about. 

This is why I called this "My Truth" because showing appreciation for the fact that I can accept that truth is there to help me see things that I may not realize. Truth will help you not stress, create false realities, or even live in a place that is unhealthy to you mentally; when you just accept and speak truth you release your mental from being captive to things that are no longer there; you are brought to a place of acceptance and then you see things more clearer like "Wow" and it truly makes you lighter. My truth being expressed right now and me reading it out loud, I am feeling my mind become a lot freer, and I think I might have just pin pointed why I have been anxious. 

"I no longer free my truth, my divorce, my next chapter of life; I am appreciating a new beginning, my healing, and living, plus walking in my truth. I have a new found understanding of why my self love is becoming stronger and I am seeing that all this is apart of my elevation"

My journey may not be pretty, but I am starting to live in peace, walk in my truth, and appreciate it all while I'm #SurvivingLife!

-Jess Lore'al

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rethinking Old Depressing Thoughts (Part 1)

-
So many things have been going through my mind, like different observations about things I notice that I honestly never processed the way I am now. For instance, I have been thinking about states of mind I have been in when I have slipped into deep depressions or when I have gone into my distancing myself mode. Like have you ever sat back and really looked into why you were thinking the negative or always blaming yourself for things that truthfully probably was not really your fault or was just overthinking the situation and pushed yourself off the edge? Well, I think that I have because today in my mind I keep replaying the thoughts of being not worthy of love. Yes I said I have been thinking about the thoughts I have had about not being worthy of love. What's wild to me about the thought process I am having now is that I am seeing that I put myself in the rabbit hole of depression behind that. Because if I am honest no one told me I was not worth of love, I told myself that becau...
Read more

HIM

-
 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent... So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that sem...
Read more

The Toy on The Shelf

-
For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...
Read more