Release Part 6: The Old Me

 I have been really dreading having to write this and really talk about some stuff that I have been through that I have yet to release. I have faced so many things in life that sometimes I forget that I am no longer that person, but at the same time I have to truly and honestly forgive that person. I sometimes still feel the hurt of things I feel like I caused in my life and even though I have healed from it I still seem to get emotional or hurt behind it because I need to release it all. So I am just warning you this will be a VERY LONG release.

I honestly do not know where to begin, because anywhere I start I feel it will be heavier than what I want it to be and I am going to honestly be balling my eyes out because I really need all this off of me. So I am going to start from the beginning...

I need to release the feelings of anger and hatred toward two of my cousins who literally took my innocence from me and made me feel that sex is not a thing of pleasure or for desire, it's all lustful and I wanted no parts. Both cousins, one female and one male, molested me for many years of my childhood; making it seem like it was not a bad thing and one threatening to lie on me if I did not allow it. This went on from the age of 5 until I was about 10; I hated to go to my aunt or great aunts home because I knew these two cousins I would run into. I, for many years, felt it was my fault I caused this to happen to me; which truthfully started my self-hatred journey. I battled with my self-image from a young age because I became something in my mind that was unclean and I did not understand why me.

I need to release the anger I have held inside towards my parents for having me in such violence and not protecting me in anyway from anything. My parents would throw things at each other, leave and have me staying with people that did not look after me in a manner they should. I have been in places as a child I should not have, I felt abandoned, rejected, and unloved for many years because I was told about how an abortion should have happened, how my father did not claim me, and all hateful things because they were unhappy with each other. Alcohol was more important than me, partying was more important than me, and in my eyes I was just not someone wanted. This all lead to a life of me not knowing how to feel about myself because my parents truly did not know how they felt about me.

I need to release anger towards myself for hiding who I am to make everyone else happy. If I am truly honest, I have known that I was into woman since I was young, but the way my mother reacted to my great aunt coming out made me very scared to tell her. So for many years, I played the role of the child they wanted and even in that I still ended up being a mess up according to them. I was not able to live in my truth until I was in my 20s and I was very hurt by my actions to put others feelings before mine, but for someone reason I did not know how to turn off the people pleaser part of me and just love me. I guess when you watch people around you not live their truth you learn how to do the same and people completely unhappy, but you know how to fake it all. 

I need to release the embarrassment of being me! I have always been told that I was an embarrassment because of how I liked to dress or how I cared myself. I have always been a tomboy that has moments of wanting to dress girly; I'm a small town country girl that loves what she loves and I was talked about and made to feel that something was wrong with me being me. I hid everything about me for so many years that I truly lost all that made me, me. It hurt me self-esteem wise and it even made me resent myself for not standing up for me to truly show people why I loved being uniquely me. I went through life being someone else to honestly please a person that does not even know who they are. 

I need to release the shame of being attractive and blaming myself for boys lusting after me in high school. This is not something that was truly my fault but I felt as though it was so I literally would wear a hoodie, t-shirts, and 2 bras to hide that I had boobs. I hate my curves, my hair, my pretty skin, and my smile because it made guys want to lie about sleeping with me or sexually harass me in hallways and classrooms. I never felt safe to go to school in dresses or skirts, plus it brought back those feelings of when I was molested as a small child; which in turn made me extremely depressed and shut off from the world. High school was the worst time in my life..

I need to release the feelings of not being worthy of more than sex, these feelings started when I went to college and I became the girl that guys placed bets on to see you could sleep with me first. I will never forget going to a house party and the guy saying "Let's get them nice and drunk, then we will take advantage of them"; I found myself running out the apartment in complete fear and after that I had a guy coming after me because I was not okay with what was said. I had guys that would lie and saying they were taking me out and we would end up at a hotel room with them trying to force themselves on top of me, most were very unsuccessful, but then there was one that was successful with the forcefulness; that moment was permanently stuck in my memories because I felt so stupid and naive for believing the bullshit he said to me. I remember taking 3 very hot showers and then crying myself to sleep, sad part was I was not able to get away from him because he was at the church I went to and he played the keyboard for every musical thing I was involved in. I felt I was responsible for the attack on me, maybe if I was not curvy look the way I did it would not have happen.

I also need to release the feelings of being the one for the moment. Many situations in my life I have been the girl for the moment and I have allowed people to use me for whatever they need in that moment do not demand more. I guess it was because I thought well at least they want me even if it is temporary and those feelings came from how family treated me. I was good enough for the moment, this is something I truly I stayed upset with myself about because I, at one point, knew I deserved way more than what I would accept but hindsight is 20/20 right?

Lastly, I need to release all that I felt during my pregnancy and my marriage, because all that has been weighing me down in a way that is not positive at all. I know that I allowed things that I should not have and that I honestly reverted to some old ways but being in fear of rejection, abandonment, and so many other things will cause you to not even fight for what you are truly worth.

So at this point, I am at my last releasing point and truthfully this one is the hardest because a lot of these things are things I keep so hidden that I literally I did not realize that all of this still affected me in many ways. My healing from a lot of this was not until recently even though I'm now in my early 33s and a lot of this happened in my younger years. I faced so much pain in life that I allowed myself to take blame for other people's actions which is why this entitled "The Old Me"; I am no longer a person that will take responsibility for someone else's actions toward me, I will only take responsibility of how I reacted to what they have done.

Releasing this is most important at this stage of my process because I no longer want the baggage that goes with any of this. I am ready to continue elevating pass the all the experiences that helped me learn more about me, but I am now ready to embrace the new found love, joy, and peace I am developing for me and my journey I am on. We have to always remember that releasing may not be easy but it is necessary.

So now to the next part in my journey #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al