Marriage Current Year
We started the current year and most of my focus has been on my child and school, but this year started off really rocky. The hurt I experienced in the first two months of this put a nail in the coffin on what I knew it was time for me to just heal and move on.
January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary.
She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift she started to come home in an instant mood. I went out of town and came back home, when I got back things hit a place that made me know for sure for sure it was time for me to go.
We were talking, she called me "Broken Jessica", got aggressive, told me I do not clean, and then was condescending to me about my feelings. She started playing her mind game and was like "I guess I cannot just get you back to normal", "Maybe you should talk to your therapist more so you can figure that out", and the most disrespectful of them all "You are mentally unstable".
Now imagine how hearing this from a person that says they love you, but yet they are saying disrespectful, dismissive, and verbally abusive things to you. My head was spinning because she woke up some days acting like she loved me unconditionally and then other days she honestly showed she truly only loves me conditionally. All this is going on around the time my daughter is about to turn 1.
People being there for me bothers her as well, it's like she does not like that people love me unconditionally and that they show up for me. Everything is like a competition, she compares everything, and she is starting to show her insecurities; for instance she literally thinks one of my sorority sisters is going to take her place. She does not like how protective of me they are and how much Baby E loves them. It's like if I say anything about her, she instantly gets upset even though she has called me her friend and said we are working on our friendship to be the best co-parents.
I have hurt so much over the years, but I love me more than all this and I cannot allow myself to stay in this because I have a child to think of; being in this type of environment and marriage is not healthy for either of us.
Understanding my worth is something that I had a hard time seeing, but after all this letting out what I have been through and my therapy, I have come to see I deserve so much more than what I have been given. I know that everything I go through helps me become stronger and I learn so much about me. I found me again after losing me in this situation; just know that this release has healed me in ways I never realized that I needed.
This is truly how I am #SurvivingLife
-Jess Lore'al
January was an okay month but we were dealing with being parents; but it got real sour in February. She calls me one day with her mind made up on what she was going to do but made it seem like she was calling to discuss things with me. She basically was like I know we made plans but my mom needs me so our plans are cancelled and it is what it is. As you may have seen there is a pattern here; she is quick to put other people before me and I am always secondary.
She made me feel crazy for feeling some type of way about it, she did not try to see it through my perspective, and she literally just shut down and acted like my feelings did not matter. As time went on things went from bad to worse, because things started to shift she started to come home in an instant mood. I went out of town and came back home, when I got back things hit a place that made me know for sure for sure it was time for me to go.
We were talking, she called me "Broken Jessica", got aggressive, told me I do not clean, and then was condescending to me about my feelings. She started playing her mind game and was like "I guess I cannot just get you back to normal", "Maybe you should talk to your therapist more so you can figure that out", and the most disrespectful of them all "You are mentally unstable".
Now imagine how hearing this from a person that says they love you, but yet they are saying disrespectful, dismissive, and verbally abusive things to you. My head was spinning because she woke up some days acting like she loved me unconditionally and then other days she honestly showed she truly only loves me conditionally. All this is going on around the time my daughter is about to turn 1.
People being there for me bothers her as well, it's like she does not like that people love me unconditionally and that they show up for me. Everything is like a competition, she compares everything, and she is starting to show her insecurities; for instance she literally thinks one of my sorority sisters is going to take her place. She does not like how protective of me they are and how much Baby E loves them. It's like if I say anything about her, she instantly gets upset even though she has called me her friend and said we are working on our friendship to be the best co-parents.
I have hurt so much over the years, but I love me more than all this and I cannot allow myself to stay in this because I have a child to think of; being in this type of environment and marriage is not healthy for either of us.
Understanding my worth is something that I had a hard time seeing, but after all this letting out what I have been through and my therapy, I have come to see I deserve so much more than what I have been given. I know that everything I go through helps me become stronger and I learn so much about me. I found me again after losing me in this situation; just know that this release has healed me in ways I never realized that I needed.
This is truly how I am #SurvivingLife
-Jess Lore'al
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