Release Part 5: Grief

Grief is something that has been hard for me to process and I have held on to the hurt for many years. I have experienced some really hard deaths in my life, but there were 3 that were life changing for me. I never thought the fact of me holding on to these deaths would have affected me the way they have; but truthfully they have.

Death 1: My Granny Granny, Ira Mae Davis

My granny granny literally was my world, she was there for all my hurt, and she loved me through my pain. She was the one person that always knew just what I needed to hear and she was the woman who taught me that God is truly the only one to fear. I have the greatest memories with my great grandmother, it was like she was my first best friend. I know that the woman I am today is because of her, I learned about God, cooking, cleaning, and even how to be strong and make it through whatever I face. I cried to my granny about life, my parents, and just because; so when things in her health took I turn my life took a turn. 

June 7th came and I was hit with something that I never thought would come; I get the call that my granny passed away. I hyperventilated at my job and my dad came to get me, I instantly went upstairs to pack so that I could go to Wharton with my mom. My grandmother came, got us, and we went on a road trip to a place that brought me all the joy in the world to now a place where my biggest nightmare happened. This death was big for me because I did not process it for 2 years and by then I lost my great aunt. 

Now while healing, I have realized that I had to let this hurt go because it created a fear of losing people; especially of those people easily connect with my heart and spirit. I have to remember all the good times and understand that she had finished her mission on earth. My granny leaves on in me but I do not need this hurt anymore, so I am releasing it. 

Death 2: My Best Friend, Ken Gardner

I met Ken when I tried college the VERY FIRST time, he was the boyfriend of the girl I grew close to. The day I met him I will never forget how we just clicked instantly and he became my homie that literally would never let me dumb myself down, accept any mistreatment, and someone I could just trust with my life; he literally had one of the kindest spirits I knew in a male. We talked all the time even after me and ol' girl were no longer friends, he stayed checking in and making sure I was always doing what I needed to be successful. The way I lost him was the worst possible way ever, he was killed in a horrible car accident and I will never forget the feelings I had when I found out.

(March 2017) I was at home scrolling on facebook looking for a picture, and his brother said something about it; I messaged him and he was like I could not find a way to tell you because I know how close y'all were. My heart sank, I had just saw him, he came to the house to fix my car and just talk like we always did. I went back over text conversations and I broke in a way that I had not in awhile. I did my best and went to his funeral, walked in and we were coordinating, I had a panic attack; I could not stay. 

This hurt I have been processing because in many ways I still hurt behind this, I feel pain of losing someone that I truly depended on that showed me that not all men are creeps. Ken was the first guy outside of my childhood best friend that never disrespected me, tried to push up on me, or even make me feel like I was just an object to him. When he passed, I just felt alone again and it hurt, but as I started to heal from everything I started to see his car everywhere I went; I know I see it to remind me that his memories are with me and I should not be hurting anymore with this, so here I am releasing the pain of this death.

Death 3 (The most painful): My Uncle/Brother, Regginel Campbell

My uncle spent most of my life in prison, so I was his pen pal and the person who would spend my weekends going to see him with my grandmother. There was not anything I could not tell him and when he wrote me he did not hide anything as well. We built a bond that was very unbreakable through letters, so that when he got released in 2009 I was overly excited to see him. He came with my dad to pick me up and I literally started crying when I saw him because he was free. My uncle was able to hug me, sit with his family, and just see the world from a different perspective and it made me so overjoyed because I prayed for this moment for years.

I almost lost my uncle in 2014, he went into a diabetic coma and when I say that I went to that hospital and started speaking healing and life back into him. Now he made it through that but he kept putting hisself in situations that literally had most of us fearful of his life. Until one day, he did not wake up! That moment my uncle passed in 2018, I became numb because I was already dealing with a lot and losing him was a different hurt. My mom's brothers mean/meant everything to me because when there was no father, there was them; I was their first babies even though I was not the first niece to be born. 

My uncle Reggie's death still sits in my spirit at times because I cannot look at hi picture without wanting to cry and it could be because I miss him or because I just think of all the conversations we had and how much I really wish he could have gotten to see me have a baby. I'm releasing this hurt because I only want to feel the happy in this now, I do not want to hurt about this any longer.

Releasing these 3 big deaths in my life has me thinking about how my healing as evolved because I use to think that I would never be able to look at these moments in my life in a positive light. I know that healing is hard especially from grief and there are all types of grief, but we have to try to work through it because harbored pain affects how you handle situations. Process the hurt, but once you have processed it let it go because the extra baggage you definitely do not need while #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al