Release Part 4: Daddy Issues

 Many people in life deal with having issues with their father, but a lot of those people deal with them because that individual was not presence or whatever their story may be; but for myself my father was there, I just feel I was never wanted by him.

It's hard to grow up around a man and watch him love, cherish, and adore your siblings, but act as if you are a burden, don't exist, and do not deserve love. I have so many childhood memories that bring hurt, pain, and anger to my forefront that now I am realizing I need to release all of it. 

My relationship with my father did not start off ideal for many reasons; he was an alcoholic. He drank more than anything in life and it was something he could not control on any level, so I thought; he enjoyed being away from the house and family more than anything. My dad never really built a bond with me that honestly I felt all little girls want and deserve. I do not have that kind of relationship with him and my siblings, well my brother does.

My childhood went as followed I always felt not thought of and unwanted because my dad chose beer over me until my brother was born. My father did not seem interested in being a dad or maybe just not interested in being my dad; because when I was 8 it got real excited about being a father since my little brother was born. When my dad got his boy I saw so much in him change. He actually came home more, stopped drinking, and went to church; he became the ideal father for my brother. Now mind you these were the thoughts coming from a little girl that was longing for something I was not getting from my father.

As time went on the situation got worse and worse, my father did not realize his words were hurtful, that he was tearing me down in front of others and giving my siblings the thought it was okay to do so, and I still did not have his last name. You see my father was not there when I was born to sign my birth certificate, so I grew up with a different name from the rest of my family. I was a HARRIS, that is my mother's maiden name and my grandmother's name, I carried the name of the strong women in my life and I learned a mindset and being that I literally have carried for many years.

I was 18 when my dad was like it's time to change her name, but I always wondered why did you wait that long for me to have your last name? Did you not want me to have it at all? Or did you do it so that people would stop asking if I had a different father than my siblings? I really never understood what would take a person so long to give their child their last name especially if you knew that child had insecurities behind a lot dealing with you and their relationship..

My dad rolled out the red carpet for my siblings, gave them whatever whenever, and I literally had to work for most of what I had. I paid for my graduation package, my prom, and anything else I wanted because he wanted to teach me the value of a dollar, while my siblings were not given the same lessons. Now do not get me wrong learning that shaped how I handle money now and I am really appreciative of that, but having to do things in a manner like that because of how he was raised slightly affected our relationship.

My dad was really hard on me and never really showed me the support, encouragement, and attention; he tore me down, I was fat, I was slow, and I was never good enough. I was not worth loving, I was not worth understanding, and to make matters worse he tried to make it seem like it was my mother that felt these things but it was truly him. He would always make it like my mother had such an issue with me until one day I heard him make the comments about me to her and her defending her child. I was hurt more to know that he had that much of an evil spirit. 

But what took the icing on the cake, my father NEVER and I mean NEVER defended me against anyone in his side of the family or outsiders either. People would say all kinds of things about me and feel all types of ways, and my father would AGREE, CO-SIGN, & ENDORSE all the foolishness. He never thought of me as worth love, or should I say I was not worth his love because I did not meet his conditions. And I noticed that as I got older when I would date people I would end up getting into situations with people that treated and thought of me the same way. 

My unhealed, unreleased, and unprocessed daddy issues would make everything worse for me in life because all I did was attract that energy from everything around me. Well now, I am releasing this because I no longer want this type of energy from anything at all, FRIENDS, FAMILY, & LOVE; I want something pure and real. This release has been overdue truly because I'm no longer even angry or hurt, I am just holding on to baggage that's unneeded.

If you are dealing with something similar just know once you have healed from the trauma it caused release all the memory of it because you do not need that energy affecting your journey #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al