My Truth (Part 2)

Getting deeper into my truth, I must also speak why I have always been the person that puts herself behind everyone else. In my world, I am known as Superwoman, because I always come in and save the day no matter is going on in my life. Why do I do that you may ask? Well it's a learned behavior from the women in my life. my grandmother and my mother are those type of people and it rubbed off on me. 

Over the years, I have progressively gotten worse when it comes to doing things for others and forgetting that I am a person of value and I also need what you call it, TLC. I am a person that knows how to cater well to others, but I neglect myself in many ways. Well recently, I have come to a place where I need to stop that; but it's hard to break old habits.

It's so bad that when others try to take care of me, I view that as trying to find a way to control me. Yes I know you are probably thinking how is that trying to control you? Well let me explain it; I grew up in an environment where when someone did something for you it was like having one up on you to control everything that you do. And sadly, over the years, I attracted people that would try to say that they were doing things for me, but would throw it in my face, remind me constantly what they are doing for me, or what throw it in my face that I need them and I OWE them for what they do. I truly never had a person in my life that genuinely showed that they loved me unconditionally, it was always a conditional love that led to controlling me and trying to make me into someone they wanted and not me being me. Granted, I always like to state this is my truth, the people of my past may not feel this is what they were doing and I am UNBOTHERED by that because I own my feelings and my feelings only. 

Now being the type of person I am it was easy for me to get sucked into some situations and others I turned a blind eye to but do not regret because I learned a lot about myself in the process. But I also damaged my mental and my thoughts about myself in these situations, I became what most would call "Damaged" but truthfully I was "Broken". You see for awhile these words have had a negative effect on my mental whenever I have heard them said about myself, but I have a different outlook at this moment. 

I will address the "Damaged" part first.... I have been through many obstacles in life and I have faced so many heartaches; but the worst thing is to have your own family try to label you as something that you are not because that's how they see themselves. For years, I have said I am damaged because thats what I was told by so many since I was hurt by things, I carried baggage, and I had some unresolved family issues. Crazy thing, the very people saying this were trying to CONTROL my narrative of how I saw my life and saw them because truthfully they were afraid if I saw my TRUE self I would leave. But when you are in the midst of somethings, you never see it for what it truly is. 

Well now for "Broken", unfortunately this word is true... I was/am BROKEN! But that's not necessarily a bad thing because you sometimes have to break the old you to evolve into something bigger and better. I have been broken for many years, I am not ashamed to say that because my brokenness has shown me so much about who I truly am meant to be in life. I do not walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest to label all things that I have faced or how I became "BROKEN", but I do make sure that I face it and HEAL properly. Being broken helps you elevate to higher places in life that you never thought you would go and brings you to a place of revelation that helps you learn to LOVE YOU all over again.

Well in my brokenness, I developed a new LOVE for myself because I realized that something was shifting and I was being brought back to WHO I AM! Through all this, I started to embrace my truth about all aspects of my life; from myself, motherhood, and school... Things that I have the power to change, succeed in, and make what I want. It's not easy going through the process of growing and becoming the WOMAN I am meant to be but hey I won't EVER GIVE UP ON ME!

But until next, I will be #SurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al