Life Shift
You ever think about what really bothers you when you get upset? You ever search to see why you get upset so easily? Yea I never did either until I noticed that looking in the mirror at myself was hard for me to do and also because I started to get into a violent rage and I started to pick up coping habits that were unhealthy for me a long the way.
So after all the commotion that happened because of my sexuality my life went down a very destructive path. I drank just because it was in front of me and I was one that could drink for hours. I would burst into tears because of my emotions and my anger, then things would get scary.
I remember one time I was so mad about something very stupid and I wanted to fight, but the person I took it out on was not the person that caused my anger or my pain. I began to flip out and say very hurtful things, plus I got very aggressive. Before I know it I had put my hands on someone that I said I loved and would never hurt. I allowed my anger to consume me, I allowed my anger to ruin my life, and I also allowed my anger to become my crutch that was my excuse for everything I did that was out of character. I put holes in walls, I used alcohol as something to help me to forget whats going on, and I popped all kinds of pills to numb the pain. No one knew the dark hole I was in or how hard it was for me to try not to be this person I was becoming but I could not stop any of it.
I had nightmares, I could not stop eating, and I did not recognize myself at all. I cried more than I did anything else in life, but the tears turned into anger and rage. But I never realized that because of things I never talked about or the fact that I knew I was accepted because I am a Lesbian was something that triggered deep routed pain in me. I need an escape and way out.
In life you may think the only way out is death, but the truth is there are many ways out of the place you are in mentally. Death is a cope out and a way of giving up on yourself. You need to give yourself more than that.
-Jess Lore'al
So after all the commotion that happened because of my sexuality my life went down a very destructive path. I drank just because it was in front of me and I was one that could drink for hours. I would burst into tears because of my emotions and my anger, then things would get scary.
I remember one time I was so mad about something very stupid and I wanted to fight, but the person I took it out on was not the person that caused my anger or my pain. I began to flip out and say very hurtful things, plus I got very aggressive. Before I know it I had put my hands on someone that I said I loved and would never hurt. I allowed my anger to consume me, I allowed my anger to ruin my life, and I also allowed my anger to become my crutch that was my excuse for everything I did that was out of character. I put holes in walls, I used alcohol as something to help me to forget whats going on, and I popped all kinds of pills to numb the pain. No one knew the dark hole I was in or how hard it was for me to try not to be this person I was becoming but I could not stop any of it.
I had nightmares, I could not stop eating, and I did not recognize myself at all. I cried more than I did anything else in life, but the tears turned into anger and rage. But I never realized that because of things I never talked about or the fact that I knew I was accepted because I am a Lesbian was something that triggered deep routed pain in me. I need an escape and way out.
In life you may think the only way out is death, but the truth is there are many ways out of the place you are in mentally. Death is a cope out and a way of giving up on yourself. You need to give yourself more than that.
-Jess Lore'al
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