The Day Before My Birthday

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I have been processing that date for the past few days because I have been plagued with a thought that has me really wondering what happened that day. I think I have to be honest I really do not think that it was an accident at all. I have been processing so much going on lately and now I must break this day down to the fullest; here goes nothing...

The day before my birthday started like any other day, I got up and went to get a facial done by a "so called" friend for free. She thought she would treat me to that and I was excited about it. I spent a few hours there, then I went to my house to get ready to go bowling. I was feeling weird that day because I was trying to force myself to be excited about my birthday but I was not really excited at all. My birthday weekend has not been something that I have really wanted to celebrate lately because of the fact that I was proposed to on that weekend by the person I am now divorcing. I find that I dread that weekend even though it is not something that I should dread at all. I should love being celebrated which at one point I did, but I am working my way back to that because I am healing from all the crazy in my life. 

I started driving to the bowling alley listening to all my favorite music and trying to get ready to be around the ex and the kids. Maybe being around my ex was something that might have been bothering me, and I feel like it was weird that she was doing so much for me this year for my birthday. It was like why now with all these feelings and actions, then all the other thoughts came up of never being good enough and why the hell are we spending time together when you did not want to do this before I left.. I became distracted in thoughts that would overtake my brain everyday and I truly think that's were subconsciously went to a different place. 

I remember nothing I was doing before hitting the pole, and I did not barely hit the pole I hit it extremely hard. After hitting it, all I could remember myself thinking is "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED", I was shaking, and then I started crying because in the moment I was like "I'm fucked". My insurance towed the car to my house and the day after my birthday they towed it to the body shop. But after this accident, I was in and out of a depression, I became angry again, and this shit was draining my money. (It is not the greatest time to have an accident during a pandemic, especially since there is a shortage of everything everywhere) 

I must be honest I truly have been reliving that moment mentally for some time now because I have been angry about how much I had to come out of pocket for my car, trying to figure out how I ran into a pole, and I just have been confused about all this. I felt like I was lying to myself and everyone around me because I really felt like that was a suicide attempt and a real cry for help, but no one really looked at it like that. People were frustrated with me about how long it was taking for my car to be fixed, but my rage was deeper than that. 

Here we are in the new year and I am finally able to say that I really am sure that my "accident" was no accident... 

But just know Im still #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al

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