Toxic Love

So I had the most emotionally awakening weekends and that brought me to my definition/fear of love and being loved. I never realized until now that how I view love is tied into the daddy issues I have. Its crazy though how this was pointed out in the midst of me finally allowing myself to see him as a person and releasing the emotions on top of cutting ties.

Love that I have received in my life has come with a lot of conditions, like people loved me with conditions on it and it was like the person I am was not good enough for them. There were times that I would change everything about me for the people around me to receive their love or accept the different type of (what I now know) abuse from them because I craved love.

I am a really sensitive person I realized lately, I really do not like talking about my emotions or being vulnerable but tonight I feel I gotta get this out of my brain so here goes nothing...

I crave to be loved in a manner that I had never experienced, crazy thing is I knew the love I was being shown was not the love I wanted in my life I desired something deeper, something real. Do not get me wrong I know that real love comes with some hard moments and times, but it does not mean that it is not something that makes you feel whole in another person and like the core of your identity is safe; that's what I have been craving.

In my life, I have been in situations that mimicked the love my father showed me, for example I have dated many people that loved some parts of me, but wanted me to change other parts or they talked down to me and made me the butt of their jokes. I found myself in places where I was wondering if they really loved me or if they loved what I did for them. I spent a lot of my life crying because I felt empty and in lost in some of the relationships, friendships, and situation ships. 

I allowed a lot of different things because I had a distorted image of love, but on the inside I craved something different. You see I envisioned something different, but because I started to see myself in the vision of the Toxic Love around me I could never attract what I wanted; well until I realized what I wanted more than anything was my own love. Yes, I craved me to love me in the manner that I wanted to be loved. I became a giver of the toxic love to myself because I thought that was what I deserved every lie I was told about me I started to believe on so many levels. 

Yes I know it's crazy how all these years later, having a baby, and now going through a divorce I started to realize that I have exhibited Toxic Love to myself; I became like all the other people I came around and started loving myself with conditions. I started disliking the things that I once loved, talking down on myself like everyone else did, and making it seem like I was not good enough for even myself. I tried really hard to be okay with how I was functioning but I realized that I was being swallowed by negativity and unhealthy habits in self care. I became a drinker, I use to cut, and I would take medicine to numb the pain I felt from feeling like I was unloveable. 

There was so much I did not love about me, which were things all the people who LOVED me would point out as deal breaking flaws that I had. Things that I should be ashamed of and the biggest thing that bothered people was that I talked. No one liked the fact that I expressed my feelings or liked to talk out issues, my feelings and voice were pushed to the side; which in turn I just built a wall to never talk about things at all.

You never think that toxic love could over take you, change you, and even break you down..... 

Allowing people to only love you for what you can do for them and wanting to change things about or saying they love you but yet they bully you and do not truly care about you is the most toxic thing ever; sad part is sometimes people do not even realize that they are doing that to you. In my own life I feel that a lot of people even after being told did not care about what their interpretation of love was doing to me or made me feel. 

Now here I am at 34 years old and I am digging up all these things to finally heal because I found the love I craved in me. Everything about me is something amazing and I cannot stop loving on me in a better way. You see the girl that I am is an extremely sensitive person, but she is also an extremely strong woman; I am very goofy, loving, and I am the biggest NERD I know, but with all that said I would not trade me in for anything in the world. The woman I am becoming is healing and realizing that the best feeling is being FREE from all this.

Also that love, the one that hits you like a mac truck and has you smiling for no reason even when you are trying so hard not to, the kind of love that makes you feel secure and safe, the love that helps you better yourself on levels and you enjoy every minute of it; that love that adds to you and your peace... Yes that love, I know it and I am grateful for it.

This helps me be able to continue #SurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al