If I'm Being Completely Honest

Disclaimer: All that will be shared does not mean this is my here and now, but it is some realness about me that I am finally ready to talk about... 

Talking has always been something I have been afraid of because in most cases it never really helped me for the better, I mean in most cases it made me feel worse (until recent years). I am being told that I should talk more because it really is a good thing to do, but in my mind I still feel what good is it doing me; I am going to try it right now, talk openly and freely about things I am processing in this moment and time.

I wrote about Toxic Love and how I realized that I was giving myself Toxic Love so I am just as bad as everyone else in my life; in my head all day today I have been processing the thoughts that one blog triggered. All the things that popped up in my mind I never really thought back on and its more so because I did not want to admit that deep inside I am angry with myself for so many different things. Its like my 34 year old self was looking at my younger self in the mirror when I looked in the mirror today; the healing process is crazy especially when you start think back on how many times you tried to take your own life over the years.

I literally was driving in my car with tears streaming down my face as I thought about how the pain, the void, and everything else I felt really had me in a place of no longer wanting to live even before I had even really lived. The fact that I can remember being in the 8th grade trying to hide the hurt I felt from my parents because I was the child that was bullied and I was shoved into a locker; I just remember that a girl in my next class came and stopped them from actually closing me into it, but by that time I had already been kicked in the back and had a mental FEAR that was embedded in my brain. School for me was a complete nightmare from being bullied to having rumors spread that I was easy; one thing about me I was not easy and I did not lose my virginity until I was 25 (yeah I was that square in my life). Dealing with that was a lot mentally especially when you are depressed, hating life, and literally wanting an escape. 

For awhile my escape was singing at church, but then that even became an unsafe place; which started the cutting and pill popping. I wanted to numb the pain that I felt, I wanted to be someone else, and the thing is the bullying wasn't just at school which broke me down even more than many may have realized. Crying myself to sleep became a norm, I wore baggy clothes because I hated my shape, and I drowned myself in music and being alone. I remember this one girl I was dating in high school getting mad at me because I told her I took a whole bottle of pills that night praying I did not wake up the next morning. This became a recurring things until now I won't take medicine unless I am in major need. 

I use to pull up to stop signs and think about pulling my car into the intersection allowing oncoming traffic to hit me. Which brings me to the thought that is plaguing me the most was the situation that happened the day before my birthday truly an accident or was it me trying to kill myself subconsciously. For those that do not know, I had a car "accident", I ran into a pole in a parking lot. Now when it happened I promise you I do not truly remember what actually happened; I just remember I was turning my wheel to park and the next thing I know I had it a Streetlight pole hard. I freaked out, I was not on my phone, I was actually driving happy that I was going bowling with my my babies and my sister for my 34th birthday or so I was portraying to the world. 

My accident before my birthday was no accident; it was truly the beginning of my black hole and I did not want people to worry so I made it seem like it wasn't as bad as it was because truthfully looking at it running into a streetlight pole in the middle of a Sunday afternoon is a cry for help and no accident. I did not see that pole when I pulled up, I do not know if I was not paying attention or if I just did not want to see it. The emotion I felt that day and all the days that followed I was in a fog; maybe I need to process that day more because it really was no accident.

... Until next time... Im still #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al