Honesty Hour (Part 2)

I have been really thinking more and more about my mental state; I find that when it comes to talking about my feelings I shut down. Being vulnerable is not something that is easy for me, but if I am honest I have some real things in my mental that I need to truly let out. I know at one point and time I have talked about some feelings dealing with some issues in my life, but now I see that I have to go deeper than all that.

Most say that I need to write more privately but I feel that what I am dealing with and my processing can help others so this is why I share so much. With that being said, I am about to talk about some things that I have never really discussed because I feel like things are tormenting me mentally and it's time to release it. I do not see myself the way everyone sees me, I really do not see this person everyone says I am. I tear myself down all the time from the beginning of my day until the end of my day. I overthink everything, fear failure, and I even second guess my success. I feel under qualified, I feel unworthy, and I also feel crazy. Many do not know that my mindset and mental goes into a crazy spiral when I am triggered. Well I will finally be real and say that I have been triggered in many ways; which has my mental spiral going into overdrive. This time I feel crazier than ever and it has me going into a deeper depression than I am usually am.

I have tried to shake off what I am feeling and what I have been dealing with mentally, but I think I am in denial; nope I KNOW I am in denial. I am typing this and I feel my face getting really red and flushed because I am emotional just trying to explain what is in my mental. But I need to write through my thoughts because if I do not I feel like this constant mental battle I have going on will never end. My mental state is in a place of avoidance, which means all the things that I have been facing in the past few months I am pushing down. BUT WHY?! Well I am the queen of avoidance only because I HATE being vulnerable with anyone. I have this learned behavior of not discussing how I feel because I always felt like my feelings did not matter; or better yet a lot of people invalidated my feelings when I would talk about them. It has always been I would be asked how things make me feel, but on the backhand they would make me feel crazy for how I felt or my perception of things; instead of trying to see where I was coming from. I will not lie somedays this is something I still deal with and it's crazy how I am so prone to just pushing my feelings down. Now that is only a small portion of what I am mentally going through the other stuff is a lot deeper than that. The other stuff is what makes me look at myself like I am crazy mentally; but before I touched that I am going to speak on something else that is mentally stuck in my brain right now.

In my life time, I have either talked to, dated, or been in a relationship (marriage) with someone that their best friends or close friends/everybody wanted and they never seem to notice that but always noticed whomever admired me. They would have friends that would twist my words, lie on me to make themselves look better and make me look like the enemy, and lastly they would overstep boundaries and the person would think nothing of it because hey that's their best friend. The bad thing about that is those so called best friends had hidden agendas to destroy whatever the person was trying to build with me and the person would turn a blind eye to them, but always have something to say about my reaction to what was going on around me. I said this to say that this built an insecurity when it comes to dating people who are extremely close to their best friends or have best friends that give off vibes that they are in love with the person. I do not know why but I feel that if you do not notice how problematic it is to have a best friend that is in love with you, then I do not know what to tell you on that. THIS IS A MAJOR TRIGGER FOR ME; because I have been in this situation and it was traumatic for me gave me PTSD.

But back to the topic at hand, the part that makes me feel crazy is that I wake up tearing myself down. I literally will wake up thinking the most negative things about myself; it's like I wake up and I'm all ready over it. So let's walk through my morning thoughts; "Why am I here still? Oh that's right I have a child, but wouldn't she be better off without me?! ugh why my stomach look like this in this outfit? My head is bigger than normal...." After I drop off my daughter; "what if I drive into traffic? or into the water?" That's just some of the stuff I think in my day, but just imagine it getting worse and all you want to do is be in a dark room. I will hurt myself accidentally on purpose just to relieve the pain I am feeling inside. I know that is not good but sometimes my mind thinks self harm is the only way to relieve my mind of the constant craziness I am dealing with. My body dysmorphia is another thing that I am dealing with ALL OVER again; I feel almost 300 pounds even though Im only 194 pounds. That's hard to deal with because I hate to try on clothes or even to wear certain things because I always feel like I am FAT!

Ugh I feel like I will take a break from this for now... Until next time, I'll be #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al