Closing My Revolving Door

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Writing makes me feel so much better some days and then other writing makes me feel worse. It's like I am writing out my feelings and then feelings that I did not think I was feeling but subconsciously I am hurting. Sometimes the words escape from my body as I start to type about one subject and then it's like my brain releases thoughts I never realized were really there.

I am in a transition period, you know like when you exit from one part, but you in the hallway trying to get ready for the next chapter, that's where I am right now. And this in the hallway period has been completely hard sometimes because there is so much that I have held on to over the past 34 years that I have been living. I have been really looking into all the things that I have been holding on to and I have been crying a lot (Just know I hate crying). 

So yesterday, I got the court date for my divorce and it had my head in a tailspin because I am still angry about somethings. Funny thing, I am not mad at her, I am mad at myself because I allowed so much. I know that it is time for me to let all this go, which is something I have been working on. My marriage was not all bad, but it had some really rough parts that hurt more than I ever really thought about. I have so much hurt that I am grieving, I mean this is a 14 year off and on relationship; this is my revolving door. 

When I say revolving door, no matter if I had met someone new and started to move on, I would always take her back and I would dismiss anyone and everyone for her. It was like no matter what was going on I would drop it for her and it's crazy how quickly I would let her back in even though she constantly hurt me and disregarded my feelings. I felt like what I had with her was real love and we could make it through any and everything, but I also truly loved her unconditionally. 

My soon to be ex wife and I is not my enemy, she is who I thought was my soul mate, but truthfully we  grew apart. We are not enemies, I do not hate her, and I feel as though we will be great co-parents; but we are not good together because we are at two different places mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

I am grateful for the great times and the lessons I have learned from the bad times; now I am ready to move forward and it's like the heaviness of finally releasing all of it makes this situation A LOT easier for me. I have held myself in reserve the past 2 years almost and kept everything I have been feeling in; so now I think I am releasing every emotion in the world that's inside. But I must admit closing this revolving door is lifting a weight off me and is truly my first step to really igniting a different part of my voice. 

I know that this is only the beginning of completely freeing myself from some hurts and baggage that went a long with this 14 year cycle; but one thing I will never regret the love I shared with her and the beautiful babygirl we created, but I do know that it's time to move forward and continue falling in love with me.

Just know through all this I am still #SurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al

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