Vulnerability (Ugh I hate that word)

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Opening up to people has been a challenge for the past few years because I find that the ability to be raw with someone has been the hardest thing for me. Talking about my past traumas, my hurts, and my brokenness is not something that I find myself wanting to do because for so many years people have used my truth as a weapon against me. 

Let me explain, I use to be open at one point, then one day certain people started to throw all my past and my hurt in my face causing me not to want to talk about anything anymore. It brought me to a place that made me feel like vulnerability was not something that I wanted any part of; it actually created the vault that I love to put everything in and just shut down. No shutting down is not the greatest thing to do but being that I have been doing it for so long I find it easier that way.

So I am at a point now, where I have someone that wants me to be vulnerable and talk; I'm not going to lie some days it's really easy to do that but then other days I do not want to go near any of that. Some days I want to just cry to myself, put my DND on, and just not be bothered. But for some reason I am being told that is not how you handle things; so I am trying my hardest to come out of my shell. 

Vulnerability is not a bad thing truthfully, but for me it's a bad thing because being that open with someone and then possibly getting hurt by them is the scariest thing ever. I mean just imagine opening up and sharing your deepest and darkest, then that person disappears or goes back to their ex; you are then sitting there like why did I even open up to you? That is my biggest and most current fear...

I do not like reliving my past or even talking about it because there are things that I have pushed down so far in myself that I start to feel those emotions all over again. I know that it's okay to feel but I am still learning to be okay with being vulnerable again.. (Eww I really do not like that word) 

But hey only time will tell... 

Until next time, I'm still out here #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al

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