Toy on the Shelf (Part 2)

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I am sitting staring at a blank page, with a brain full of thoughts and emotions that I do not know if I can express anything in the moment because I am still stuck on the topic I was writing about the other day; you know "the toy on the shelf". It's crazy how that is lingering in my mind because I guess I have felt this way for many years. 

You know you could also be a part of the problem, meaning that you could also be putting yourself on the shelf like you are only a toy. You know like neglecting your needs, your desires, and thinking that you are not worthy of certain things; and unfortunately I feel that is something that I have been doing to myself. You know I have felt unworthy of so many things in life, but recently I have realized that I am short changing myself. 

But there is a bigger thing that goes along with this situation, which is the fact that I allow people to give me what they think I deserve instead of me knowing my worth and not just allowing certain things. I sit back some nights and ponder on the relationships I have been through, the wounds, and the big scars of it all; which makes me realize that I have really been selling myself short to me and also to others. But all that goes into insecurities and the fact that I truly try my hardest to not to be vulnerable with people because I automatically believe that people do not want me for me. 

I mean I have always been the back up plan, the "I'll hit you when I'm free" girl, or the "I'm bored let me hit her" girl. Over the years, I have grown to be okay with that because I felt like I could never be more than that to anyone, sad part is I literally feel that way about me doing that to myself as well. I literally have been trying to heal from some past trauma and this is one of the biggest traumas I have unfortunately. I really feel like this is something that has been unpacking itself slowly but surly.

Over these past few months, I have been making some great strides towards my healing with a lot of things other than this, but for some reason this is BACK STARRING ME IN THE FACE. Do I feel this way about other aspects of my life? Or is it just about romantic relationships? Or maybe is this something that will haunt me all the time? So many thoughts on this one topic that maybe I should sit back and just allow myself to see what is really in my head about all this.

But hey y'all, I'm back though... still #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al



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