On to the Next Chapter

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14 years in one place with one person, 5 years of it married, and a beautiful little girl... And here we are divorced.. It's crazy because this is a long time coming blog where I finally get all the emotions out that I feel about finalizing that chapter of my life. 

Being married has always been a dream of mine, despite the things I grew up around I still felt like I wanted to be someone's wife and a mother. I had this big dream of when I was going to get married and how it would be; but in true life fashion my wedding was nothing like I thought or dreamed of it being. Maybe because I was not a very vocal person on what I want or maybe it was because I wanted to please my future spouse. Either way my wedding day, my marriage, and everything there after was not how I thought it would be.

Here I am years later divorced and starting over, in the beginning of all this I was very broken, hurt, and lost; but that's to expected because we were together for so long, but TODAY I can honestly say I am not longer hurting, feeling broken, and I have found me. Dealing with my divorce was something I was not expecting to do in the midst of my trauma healing and I was really overwhelmed with all my hurt from all the years. 

Being 34, a single mother, and a divorcee was not where I saw myself, but I find that going through this I have been able to embrace my journey and embrace my true identity. I am not where I want to be but I am far from where I was. Now some people find it weird that I am not angry but there is no reason for me to be angry; I mean that is just something that I do not have the energy for anymore. I will always have love for my ex wife, but the person I once was in love with is not the woman she is now and we both lost ourselves over the years. Crazy how things change over time but it is what it is in the end. 

Being able to talk about my past relationship without crying or getting angry is big for me because walking away from all this was really hard because I kept thinking about our daughter Emersyn. But now I am no longer thinking about those things, because I realized I did what was best for all of us and it was needed to make a positive change for us all. 

In life, I realized things change for a reason and sometimes not for reasons we may understand, but one thing I am proud of myself for is FINALLY putting myself first. But all in all, I am not bitter, angry, or still broken; I am healed from that chapter and praying that we continue to coparent the way we have been for the beautiful daughter we share.

But until next time, I am still out here #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al

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