Trauma Healing (Part 2)

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So I am back to continue this conversation about my Trauma Healing and how lately I have noticed so much just from the passing of my aunt. It's so crazy how I have believed that I was being haunted by my past trauma but truthfully through this healing I have realized that I really have been running from ME; like I am really allowing FEAR to overtake my life. 

Fear will be something big that I talk about because it has crippled me from doing a lot of things in my life that I have really wanted; especially some of my biggest dreams. I am just now stepping out on FAITH and doing things that when I was 16 I wrote about in my journal. It's crazy how a lot of things are coming back full circle in this moment, but one thing I can say is I am grateful. 

Let me tell y'all something about me, I have had a terrible fear of dead bodies most of my life; like I cannot stand seeing a body in a casket, so basically I do not like attending funerals. Well I told y'all my aunt died and with this death I faced a lot of things I thought I never would; one of the biggest things that I had to face was seeing her in casket, so I thought. But honestly I ended up having to touch her dead body and put lipstick on her, because my mom could not do it. This was a HARD moment for me in general, not just because I do not do dead bodies, but because I was looking a crippling FEAR in the face in this moment. 

Overcoming this FEAR made me feel accomplished in ways no one will ever understand because this is another big step in my healing journey as a whole. But you know something that is really amazing for me is that I have realized that I only remember A LOT of the negative things and not the positive. For example, I have spoken a lot on the negative with my father and myself but recently I have started to remember the other half of my memories, which has brought things full circle. You see as people, we will hold on to the negative and push away the positive because for some reason at times we fuel off of the negative. 

Most of my life, I really have not seen the good and the bad; I would only see the bad because it hurt me and it would fuel the rejection and abandonment I already felt inside. So with everything that I have faced recently, I have finally gotten to the point where I am seeing things a lot differently and recognizing my healing. 

Healing is a funny thing because it helps you see YOU and I am so happy plus proud to say that I can finally see me. If you know me personally, you know this is a BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT after all I have been facing in the past 2 years. 

But hey that's all for the moment..
Until next time, I will be #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al


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