Insomnia( Emotions EVERYWHERE)... but Freeing

Insomnia, a place I truly do not like but I know only comes when I have so much built in my brain that I need to sit and process all of it. It's crazy that I get this crazy surge of energy that will keep me up and energized like I have slept all night but truly I have been having a conversation with self and God. Many may be like conversation with self, Yes I am having a live conversation with my spiritual self that is bringing forth more knowledge of this journey past, present, and future; while God (or higher power; whatever you may call it, but I say GOD) is literally breaking somethings down in me that brings a lot full circle in the next 24 to 48 hours. 

Let me lay down some back story here.... You see most of my life I have lived what many called a double life, but truthfully that was not it at all. It was more like I had created a covering over the girl, the woman, the majestical person that I truly am because I became tired of being hurt; tired of the emotional rollercoaster, misunderstandings, bullying and people that had placed targets on me because they felt whatever they felt towards me.

So this Insomnia was coming and I have been getting warnings about it coming for the past 3 days before it actually hit me in full force. When it hit me I was like, what is going on?.... Well... a lot happened over the past weekend that now I know why I was not able to sleep.

Like most things that happened to me in life I saw them for face value, never looked deeper into them until my most recent black hole; that's when I realized that I have some deeper work to do with my healing from some things in my life; which ironically I ended up having to face head on this past weekend. It's really crazy how all this came full circle.

I am a person that when I experience things I write through them, but this time all this was too much to write through. I honestly had to feel it and make sure that I really got what I needed and did not fail at making sure I set my boundaries. Because for some reason I have such a soft heart and I begin to waiver on sticking to my guns at the sacrifice of my emotional and mental health; well all that stopped on this weekend, I promise you that.

Soooo let's get to processing this craziness that went on around me... I have this thing where I seem to trust or keep the wrong people around me because they talk a good game, but truthfully they mean me no good and like truly no good at all. And once I notice it and I start to assert myself or just point out the obvious it's either I get railroaded, ignored, or the blame is placed on me. The irony is it is my fault because I should never allow anyone to have that much power over me ever or have that much of an effect that they can control my emotions. 

I had two different encounters that I went through that I had to get real with myself about because I was to blame that either of these situations where even able to effect my peace the way they did. And it brought out another thought process as well that I have been pondering on, but before getting into all that I will get back to the topics at hand.

The first situation dealt with I guess you would call them a "so called" friend of mine that was truly acting like a foe because of what I do not know and I honestly do not care, because when it was all said and done the person became BLOCKEDT! (Yes blocked with a T meaning they can not have access to me anymore) This situation became something that brought up a lot of PTSD from situations that have happened in my past that I have never dealt with; so this situation forced me not to run from the aggression, anger, confusion, or hurt it may have caused me and to my surprise after having my reality check I faced it, survived and then went on with my life. The moments I went through, the emotions I felt all brought me to a sense of closure that I did not realize I needed from some underline hurt. I am grateful for that closure, but lord knows that hurt I wish did not have to come with it.

The second situation was one that I truly have been dealing with for a long time, I have been on this emotional rollercoaster that I am so glad that I have gotten off of because LORD! Most of my life I have been going through the worst heartache, lies, and toxicity that I never wanted to deal with and because the person was someone monumental in my life I had a fear of truly letting go. So this I will breakdown even more, because this is some serious shit (excuse my language) that was breaking the fiber of the person that I am. This one person is linked to a lot of my self esteem, body image, and everything else issues that I have had in my life. Well we finally came to a head with one another and I spazzed; like I cursed out my father. Yes, my father; I cursed him out and BLOCKEDT him as well. People may not understand but that was the most FREEING feeling that I have ever had because the hurt, the emotional issues, and personal struggles that were wrapped into that relationship finally are coming to a true healing place. It hurt like hell to have to curse him out, but I was tired of the lies, confusion, disrespect, and toxicity that was tied into that relationship. 

To my surprise, I am not angry and I am no longer hurt by the fact that I had to end that relationship and block access to my aura. I honestly feel at peace; I laughed and smiled all day Sunday like nothing happened the days prior. Mind you at the beginning of this, I said I had not slept; well Saturday after releasing on my father I slept and I mean slept until like 9am Sunday morning. I was so grateful for that sleep because Lord knows I needed it. 

With all this, I decided to cleanse my phone and all my social medias; decluttering my life of negative energy and people. Cleansing all around me has been good for me and my mental.. and with that being said I am out here still #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al