Honesty Hour

So it's been a minute since I have wrote anything in this blog and today I think it's time to write because my mental is overloaded; I guess it's time to release. Let me be transparent here, this will be a dump of so many events and emotions that I think I never really processed or expressed.

I have been in a mental state for sometime but I have never really thought about how bad it was until recently because I think I like to deny how I am honestly feeling. I have been facing many different moments and lessons over again that I probably did not learn from the first time, but now I think I am learning a lot and I'm over the lessons. But here goes some transparency on another level...

So I know that I touched on somethings in passing that I have been dealing with lately but I have not be going in depth about my mental; I have been really having challenging times mentally and I really do not know how to handle it at times. Yes, life happens and things go on that you cannot control; but my mental health has been declining and I have been avoiding it but I cannot anymore. 

My aunt dying was a big change and something hard for me to accept because I have been still dealing with my uncles dying in 2018 and last October; so to lose her and see her the way I did was HARD. Mentally I replay that moment a lot and next Wednesday the 27th is her birthday. Mentally death is a major trigger, but actually seeing someone in the casket and helping getting them ready for their funeral makes it worse for me. But that was jus the beginning of what I found to be me realizing that something was going on with me mentally. The next thing was going to see my dad for Father's day, that was an interesting turn of events because one minute all things were going okay but then once the truth surfaces I instantly started regretting going to see him. I missed my dad and I wanted to see him because thats been the first true love, but no matter what I always feel insignificant to him because of whomever he's trying to please in that moment of his life. And right now, the person that has him wrapped around his fingers is his new wife; she hates me. Her reasoning for disliking me I have no clue, but for some reason my dad is okay with her saying whatever and making excuses for her. Now grant it, I really do not care about her but I do care about the fact that my dad (and truthfully a lot of others) invalidate my feelings when I express them. 

But moving on, I have realized that I have not wanted to get out of the bed many days, I have wanted to cry more than ever, and I have felt like I should not be happy. Many call that self-sabotage, but honestly I say something is wrong with me; it's like I can be in a room full of people and feel like I am not supposed to be having fun. I literally will ask myself why am I smiling, why am I happy, and why am I enjoying life; it's like I feel I do not deserve it. I have been so hard on myself in life, when I make the smallest mistakes or when I do not achieve what I wanted to achieve; for example right now I feel like a failure because of what's going on with school, my GPA dropped and I hate talking about it because it depresses me more. I cry all the time, I feel worthless, and it's crazy that so many people think so much great and I have so many that tell me how much of an impact I have made in their lives; I do not believe them. I am my own worse enemy at times, I do not celebrate anything I achieve because I feel I do not deserve to be celebrated. I cannot honestly say why I feel that way but for the past few years, I just have felt insignificant. 

I am seeking out help now because the therapy is not helping with my mental has been on a downward spiral since my miscarriage; something has to give.

But until next time, I'll be #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al