There's Life After

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 It's been awhile since I sat down and just wrote... I guess life seem to have taken over in the past few months and I mean took over lol. So I have so much to update on, talk about, and even make clear about what is to come in this next chapter of life. 

You know I started this blog just to write out my thoughts and discuss what is going on, plus how I handle most things as I am #SurvivingLife; but lately there has been so much more to this thing called life that I want to discuss. This safe space is about to go deeper into my healing and seeing the positive that I seem not to discuss to often, because if I am honest life has a positive and negative side; we cannot always focus on the negative if we want to continue to grow. 

Well.... here goes what's new.... So it's been about 5 months since I have discussed anything on here and I feel that it's because I truly flipped out this past summer mentally. I was drowning and I could not figure out why, my friendships started to struggle, and I completely lost hope in things that I really wanted. Now how did I get to that point? If I am honest I do not know, but how I got out was something that I want to share with you right now. 

I started to isolate myself; I know for many isolation is not a good thing, but for me it is a great thing, because it helps me process and I mean truly process. So I had a brain overflowing with so much negative and I needed to disconnect from a lot, so I do; plus my birthday was coming up and it was time for me to focus on me and making sure that I was truly HEALING. 

Healing is something that a lot of people do not realize takes TIME and I mean TIMEEEE. So I finally sat back and started to think about my healing journey and not just look at the NEGATIVE, but see the POSITIVE. I did not realize that I started to manifest so many things that I really wanted and crazy enough once I isolated I started to see things differently. 

Like I no longer look at the relationship (or lack there of) with my father is not something I need to continue to chase. I mean I have been trying to get the relationship that I wanted, but now I am starting to accept and be okay with the type of relationship he is able to give me. You see the positive in that is I stop setting myself up for disappointment and then the frustration stops; which in turn makes me lighter. Now am I completely healed from the trauma? No, but I am a lot closer to that healing than I was at the beginning of the year.

My divorce... many do not realize that my divorce is something that I wanted, yes, but it still hurt a lot. Like I did not realize how much hurt was still in me because of how I was treated and funny thing is I was still allowing somethings that I should not have been. BUT I finally said my piece and set some boundaries and now I must say that headache has minimized A LOT! Now do not get me wrong, we still coparent and we still have somethings that we do not agree on but I am now at the place where I have LET GO of hurt that made me feel like I did not deserve more out of a relationship. Being able to speak up for myself and not be in fear of doing so, I have released the thought process that I will be trapped in this revolving door forever. I'm finally free.

Speaking of relationship, I also started dating.... Now let me be clear, I have had my eye on one person but because I was not ready I ended up hurting them. I felt horrible about that for a long time because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt them, but in turn of me hurting them it caused me to hurt. I had to separate myself from them for about 2 weeks and if I am being honest it made me realize so much; I realized how much they really meant and that it was time for me to let go of my fears and try to trust again. In this situation, I figured out that it was mainly me that was causing all the problems in this situation and I had to stop the negative. 

So now, I am starting to realize that in life I need to start being more on the positive side of things and manifesting the energy I want and not speaking on the energy that is present in the moment. I find that sometimes I gave a lot of my energy to the wrong things which made my day seem so draining and it would make me really just dislike what I had going on around me. But once I changed my thoughts on that I find that now I'm smiling more and living more. 

Do not get me wrong, dealing with my mental health I still have my moments and I still want to cry it out at times, but the difference is now I do not allow myself to stay in that place. Life has changed so much and yes, I am still overcoming depression, out here making it happen as a single mother, working full time, and even a full time student getting my Masters; but that should never be a reason for me to not try and live while surviving. 

So my blog will still be me talking about #SurvivingLife, but it will also be about #LifeAfter and #LivingWhileSurvivingLife.. 

Well until next time, I will be out here #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al


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