An Open Letter To Myself

You know lately I have been feeling kind of heavy and I do not know if it's because of what I have been healing from lately and for the past to nights I have been just crying. You know for a second I thought it was because my cycle was coming (TMI I know sorry) but then I just realized that it's a lot that is held inside of me; it's time for me to do an inventory. Here we go...

Dear Jessica,

You know it's crazy how you are sitting in your room crying right now and typing a letter to yourself because deep down you are very hurt by some decisions that you have made in your life. It's crazy that you sit back somedays and you getting angry with yourself because of the expectations you put on yourself. You allowed so many people to take advantage of you, berate you and you just acted like it was okay; but truthfully sat in your room and cried day in and day out because you never felt good enough. I remember a time when you were generally happy but something happened and all that went out the window. 

You experienced heartache to the ultimate level from people most of your life but the biggest thing that hurt you the most was losing people that you were close to. The first death that was hard for you was your great Aunt Ruthie; then the one that knocked the wind out of you was your Great Grandmother Ira Mae Davis. Two women that taught you so much and loved you in a manner that you never thought anyone could love you. It hurt something serious to lose your great grandmother and you felt as though you lost your way. You picked up bad habits, created horrible coping skills, and did not know how to grieve. You became angry with the world.

You know I know that you are angry with yourself for taking Kiara back after all that went on with y'all. You have been angry with yourself about her and the things you allowed for so long, but now you are wondering are you really upset with her about the divorce or yourself? Like would you be here if you would have stayed away from her? I know you think about how you would not have your daughter, you also think about how you genuinely were in love with her and that it hurt like hell to leave, but you knew that you needed to for once love you more. 

You honestly think that people do not understand how hard life became for you after leaving, the nasty things that were said to you, the stress of trying not to feel guilty for working full time and going to school full time missing moments and time with your daughter, feeling like you failed your child because you decided that the relationship and marriage was toxic, and last but not least feeling like you did not know how you were going to make it another day because of your depression. You went through the ringer when it came to friends as well, because you found out that the people you held close, near and dear secretly hated you. That's something that broke you more, but only because you allowed people to keep coming back no matter how bad they did you and kept doing you.

You feel stupid for giving so much to people that would never give the same to you; friends that used you as an ATM and then found a reason to get mad so that would not have to pay you back. Friends that you gave a place to stay and then they turned around and bashed you all over the internet like you meant nothing to them. The hurt from all this is the anger you held in towards yourself, but really can you blame yourself for being a decent and loving human being?

But if I go deeper no one knows you are mad at yourself about your best friend Ken, the only man you truly really ever fell in love with. The one that you held near and dear to your heart, the one that you would walk through fire for and knew loved you more than anything in the world. It still haunts you how he died, the last time y'all spoke, and how you allowed fear to stop you from someone you truly could have maybe had happily ever after with. For you, Ken was different, he was that one person that gave you the feelings you never thought you could feel with any man, but he proved your theories wrong, he was genuinely in love with you, and you cherished him. It hurt you so bad when he died and you are still healing from that, but you do not know how to let the anger go and just grieve. You want to grieve so that you do not cry every time you think about the memories y'all share. This is something that you have never talked about and you need to free yourself of the guilt you feel when it comes to him and the feelings.

Some days you are angry with yourself for all your failed attempts at ending your own life, but then you think about how you would not have Emersyn and you also would not be as far as you are. Somethings are a blessing in disguise. 

All your anger is just hurt, hurt you are trying to heal from and hurt you are trying to navigate. In the process of being hurt you have hurt some people that mean the most to you and you are trying to figure out how not to do that again. You are navigating your healing, becoming stronger, and you are trying to make sure you create healthy boundaries with everyone around. In time things will continue to become clearer and I know that in time things with your emotions will get easier. 

But just remember you love you more!

-Jessica

Until next time, I will be #SurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al