Seasonal Depression

-

It's the holiday season again and I really have so much that I go through emotionally during this time, well I don't think that I am the only one that deals with these feelings. I have been through so much lately especially when it comes to life, but for some reason the holidays makes everything worse in my mind. So let's dive into what's really going on..

So let me just start with how I have recently gotten this thought process that people do not get what it means when people say that they are depressed. I have been dealing with my depression for most of my life and most people honestly do not believe me; I mean I know that I may have the mindset of being social and a little extroverted at times... but truthfully, my depression and anxiety are the worst this time of year. I have spent most of my life trying not to be seen as overly sensitive but I feel now it's time for me to really talk about the things I feel most will not.

Seasonal Depression is big in the world and not just in some communities but all communities.. we as people feel it's not okay to be honest about not being okay. I have gotten to a place of not being able to hide the fact that I have this depression, not just all the time but the seasonal one be kicking my... you know... I will cry myself to sleep or randomly start crying through out my day because I do not know how to process certain things just yet. Most years, well since 2018, November has been a month that I am really just not a fan of... I lost one of my favorite uncles that year.. and thats my best friend who passed in 2017's birth month.. I could go on but I will not because all it does is make me go into this funk that honestly I sometimes cannot get out of.

Falling into my depression is easier than falling out of it; I can be swallowed whole by my emotions and I'll never admit it to anyone because I literally go into hyperactivity anxiety mode so that I can hide my emotions. But lately, I have been crying more than I realized; which has pushed me to start talking about how "Its okay to not be okay".  I do not know if it's because I recently lost my job, or that I have been really processing my feelings and things that Im dealing with, but I have not wanted to get out of the bed.

My appetite has been crazy and I really don't know how to admit that I am depressed. My depression is heavy, real heavy, and I'm praying that some day I will not have this problem. 

Yes... I know today.. I have no recommendation.. I am just here venting.. 

But until next time, I will be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife..

-Jess Lore'al

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rethinking Old Depressing Thoughts (Part 1)

-
So many things have been going through my mind, like different observations about things I notice that I honestly never processed the way I am now. For instance, I have been thinking about states of mind I have been in when I have slipped into deep depressions or when I have gone into my distancing myself mode. Like have you ever sat back and really looked into why you were thinking the negative or always blaming yourself for things that truthfully probably was not really your fault or was just overthinking the situation and pushed yourself off the edge? Well, I think that I have because today in my mind I keep replaying the thoughts of being not worthy of love. Yes I said I have been thinking about the thoughts I have had about not being worthy of love. What's wild to me about the thought process I am having now is that I am seeing that I put myself in the rabbit hole of depression behind that. Because if I am honest no one told me I was not worth of love, I told myself that becau...
Read more

HIM

-
 Today, this post will be a lot more personal because I have something that I want to get out and honestly talk about. I feel that in life when we are going through our challenges with our mental health we are not very open about what's really going on because we never want people to judge or more on the scary side have someone call to have you Baker Acted or committed for those that do not know what that is honestly. So today, I am going to take you on a journey of what I call my "Intrusive Thoughts" while also talking about someone that I honestly am grateful for everyday outside of my daughter. So lets get real transparent... So for as long as I can remember I have had my "Intrusive Thoughts" that I am really not a fan of because they are some thoughts are in my "Dark Place" but they come anytime of day. I can be driving my car and I will think "Drive into oncoming traffic", "Drive off the side of this freeway", "If that sem...
Read more

The Toy on The Shelf

-
For many years I have always felt not good enough and would allow that mindset to really get me down. I mean I always felt like "the toy on the shelf" and that people only took me off when they wanted something from me, for me to do something for them, and/or wanted to have sex with me. I know this mindset sounds really crazy, but I really feel that people look at me like that.  Lately, I have been feeling this way especially after a had a heart to heart with a friend of mine and I realized that I have been "the toy on the shelf" for many people in my life past and a few present day. I do not know why that is where I exist with some people. I guess it's because I allow it, yes I can own the fact that I literally allowed a lot of this behavior, now I do not know why I allowed it.  For some reason, people like to say they have all these feelings for me, but only show those feelings when it is convenient for them and not because they want to show that they really a...
Read more