My Journey #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

Anger is a funny thing that a lot of people use differently and access at different times; but have you ever been so angry that it turns to rage then to resentment? No. Well I have and it ate at me, making turn into a person that really just did not trust those around me. I had misplaced anger, I became my own worse enemy plus I felt like people in my family hated me, but truly it was all in my head, well parts of it was anyways. You never realize how much you carry inside of you until one day you snap and everything around you is closing in on you. It was February of 2012 and my world was closing in on me in more ways than one; I felt like my relationship with my parents was horrible, my relationship with my little brother was off (for many reasons), and the only person I clung to was my little sister. Sadly, while going through the denial of me being depressed, having anxiety, and other mental things I couldn't identify; I was also dealing with accepting who I was as a person. ...

You ever think you know things and then all of a sudden something happens that changes everything and I mean everything. Well in 2011, that's what happened for me, my life changed in a matter of seconds but I did not see how much this one event would effect me until months later. June 7, 2011, we got the call my great grandmother Ira Mae Davis passed away; a phone call no one was expecting or truly wanted because that woman was the heart of my ENTIRE family. She passed away suddenly in her sleep and crazy thing her death brought forth a lot of mixed emotions amongst some, but for me it's when I realized I do not know how to grieve. Truly and honestly, I still have may days where I am still dealing with her death right now and she's been gone now for 7 years. I learned that I truly knew how to fake it in the moment, but I was internalizing all my feelings and emotions. I will never forget hyperventilating that day at my job and feeling like life was sucked out of me; but t...

Hey world it's me, Jess Lore'al, and I am here to share my story and my life with the you guys. I have really been through a lot over my 31 years of living; I overcame my depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, and so much more. I feel like with all that I have overcome that I would love to share with the world how I did it and also let others know that there is someone out there that truly understands what you are dealing with. Well we are now and let me just get into it.... So it's my three year anniversary of me starting therapy and facing my truths, my hurt, my demons, and my mental health. You know in all honesty I would not be here if  I wouldn't have just gave into to the fact I needed help and it was serious. I had been battling with not knowing how to cope, I had suppressed so many childhood traumas and adult traumas that I had become angry. I would throw my anger on any and everything because it was easier than dealing with my own issues. Until one day, I c...

I cannot breathe I feel no one sees me My heart is claiming out where did this come about I cry so much I'm losing touch Count backwards 5..4..3..2..1 Why is everything getting close? why does it feel like the walls are closing? I cannot let this takeover It needs to go but when you have anxiety It tells you "No" It doesn't let go So now it's time to get help because I refuse to allow this to overtake me Anxiety won't win I will these attacks must and will END

Where do you begin  when you hold everything in? Where do you put the hurt? How do allow yourself to let go when inside you honestly don't know? What do you do? I mean have you ever thought of loss? like real loss? the kind that knocks the wind out of you and you don't know what to do The kind that brings forth panic, fears more hurt, and all the tears How do you handle it? How do I handle it, you ask? Well honestly, I am learning that now I really don't know how I have the worst anxiety that comes alive in the worst times it causes me to lose my mind I lose control of my being I cannot regain my breath I fear closing my eyes I honestly think I might die I sometimes feel my anxiety will get  the best of me...

So Jessica, you still trying to make it in life well I got some news for you there something you need to do You need to stop thinking you are cute Girl you are ugly no one loves you no one wants you no one cares about you You are selfish trifling worthless and shouldn't be alive Jessica.... you just just... ....... *Looks in mirror*...... Stop, I'm not those things I'm better than this I am loved by me even if no one else cares all this hurt you are trying to bring up will not control me anymore I'm taking my power back there's nothing I will allow you to tell me I lack Inner voice can't control the things I want in life I'm shutting down that inner voice tonight

Hey Self, you know you are trash right? You know you should've died last night but you wanted to fight Ha! You can't fight being a failure or being the mistake You can't get away from being rejected, or abandoned those feelings will haunt you chase you never escape you. You are worthless and deserve whatever pain that you have because you are just another useless human. A waste of space, breath a no one that needs no love just take your life already What's the point of trying when everyone thinks you lying no one wants to own up it's all your fault you did this you are the lost cause you will never sleep again there's no peace for you within Jess, just stop trying let this life thing go just let it go ....... *Panic Attack*.....