My Ugly Truth

Hey y'all, I know 2 blogs in one day girl you must have a lot on your mind... Yes yes I do.. As you can see the title of this blog, I am going to make some going to talk about some real ugly truths I am dealing with. You never realize some of things that you are dealing with until you start unpacking other things and then you have to look closely at other aspects.

In my world, I have protected a lot of people and things that I shouldn't have because were that honestly protecting me? The answer to that question is no from my prospective, but hey those who were involved may feel they did their best at the time. Let me be clear, everything I talk about in this post is my truth and it's freeing me to write it out and let it go. So with that being said, let me set the scene for this ugly truth.

Some years ago, I put myself in a position where I was tormented in a manner that is completely unacceptable to do to anyone; all over someone not wanting their truth to come to light. I trusted people that I thought would have my back, and on the surface it seems that they did but honestly they never really did. In so many ways, they actually step up the perfect way to always use me as the target for different things. What was crazy about that is I never realized that was going on until many years later; I allowed lie after lie and for people to mistreat me and misuse me because I had the worst people pleasing spirit. 

Now that people pleaser spirit can put you in a place mentally that can affect you even more because you are in situations that you know you should not be in, but you are unable to get out off because you do not want anyone to be mad at you not realizing that you are already mad at yourself. Yes, I was pissed at myself because I was on the receiving end of some really unfair accusations, hurtful lies, and even threats that were put out there for no good reason, because surprisingly I was not worried about people as much as they were worried about me. I still to this day do not know what made them feel like they needed to use me to cover their lies, make people hate me, not trust me, and even STILL feel this way years later and I have had no contact with them in years. 

It's crazy how you can stay on the minds of people and they feel such animosity towards you when you have not spoke of them or even paid them no thought but people are still letting you they still dislike you. This ugly truth for me is that I honestly ALLOWED them to treat me this way and stay involved and not protecting me from these energies. Because instead of removing myself I allowed myself to stay somewhere I clearly was not wanted. 

Here I am years later, facing myself and my ugly truths of how I have put myself in these situations and made my life harder than it needed to be. I have also realized that I may not speak of any of these things or people that hurt me but I need to forgive them and myself for allowing this. This situation right here hurt me more than people will ever understand because no one cared about the truth, they loved living in the lie and drama. 

I think I am finished now letting out the feelings and emotions about the ugly truth in my life. Forgiving myself is the movement and letting go of what does not serve me in my life is also the other movement. But as always until next time, I am still #LivingWhileSurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al