I'm... Not... Okay...

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I am not okay.. The "I'm okay" button inside me is broken today and probably will not work tomorrow either. It's all catching up to me, literally everything, every emotion under the sun. I am losing my sense of understanding about things. I am starting to wonder if I really was okay before everything happened or if I have just been piling things on top of each other.

On some days, you can go through the motions and continue to tell people "I'm fine", "Yeah I'm okay" and they can believe it until that one day they ask and those statements do not come of that way. Yes, today is that day for me. I am trying to say those phrases convincingly but I seem to be failing miserably.

So much has hit me all at once today from so many angles that I literally feel myself trying to #SurviveLife. My anxiety and my emotions are all over the place, while my thoughts take over in my mind, then the tears come and do not stop. All the while I continue to try to convince myself and others, "I'm okay".

Sadly, the more I say the phrase the less okay I feel. But today for some reason I cannot accept the fact that I am not okay.

I am the strong one for everyone around me, most days I am uplifting others, heck even in this blog I somewhat try to make people feel better about things by talking about my experiences. But today, I cannot for the life of me find that same motivation to uplift myself. Funny how I write that and then I realize something that I think I never think about; I am human and I am allowed to not be okay sometimes.

Truth be told, it is okay to not be okay. I have noticed that I try so hard to be okay and not really allow myself to feel certain things, but it's okay to feel and go through the process of those feelings. I feel so indifferent right now that I cannot really put into words what I am facing or dealing with, but I know that once I go through it I will be okay.

I know this is not my typical entry, but today I had to just write through it and be the raw uncut person that I am. I'm not perfect, I still have my days and moments, plus I am human. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day mentally.

Until next time, I will be #SurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al

Comments

  1. Flawless ArRHOganceFebruary 11, 2020 at 8:31 PM

    Do not get discouraged. Today's blog is proof that everyone is human and we all go through days where we are not okay. Nobody is okay all the time. That's what makes us human. Continue to take it one day at a time Queen. It will get better.

    ReplyDelete

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