Exhausted/Depressed

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Well it's been forever since I have done this, and I mean really just wrote something out that is in my head. But I have been so heavy and feeling broken that I finally mustered up the energy just to be honest with myself that I needed to blog my way through this. 

Yes, I know it's been forever and I have so much that is on me that lately all I can do or even feel like doing is crying. I have so many great things happening but Im literally just exhausted and do not have the energy to even celebrate me. But let's get into what's really going on....


So I have moved back to Houston staying with my mother, still currently going through a divorce. That truthfully has not been easy; like having a person you have been with for years tear you down because they are not happy with their choices in life hard. I am literally dealing with someone that on one day will praise me/show appreciation; then on the next day act like I am the worst person walking this earth. I must tell you dealing with that and my depression is not an easy road. 

Then recently, she needed me because NO ONE else showed up for her in a really tough time. The one person that got treated like crap, talked to crazy, and made feel horrible is the one that showed up and helped out. Well me showing up triggered my PTSD of what I went through in that relationship and brought me to a really dark place mentally. I felt trapped all over again and became angry because it was all on me once again and it became overwhelming.

From that I came back home and I realized that it's almost graduation time; and I cried. Not happy tears, I cried exhausted, drained, and tears of just a deep hurt. I have been through so much in the past few years and especially the past year that I have really become closed off in some sort. Well now I feel it's time I open my mouth and just be real with it.

I'M HURT

I'M EXHAUSTED

I'M DRAINED

I'M OVER IT

I'M DEPRESSED

I have cried so much in the last few days that I think I have become so use to having a nightly cry. I cry tears that come from a place of longing and missing something. I feel alone most days, abandoned, and rejected. Funny how all this is resurfacing but honestly not really, because my dad issues are causing some real issues lately.

This man and I have not spoken in a little over a month now, he does not care about me, he does not care about my daughter, who is the most beautiful person in the world. I mean nothing to him and the hurt I feel from that has grown, because deep inside I still do not understand why. What have I done for him to reject me in this manner? What is wrong with me?

I really want to be over all this but I am not and with this approaching graduation coming up this pain is getting louder because it is another big thing that gets overlooked because as always I'm the forgotten one.

I cannot even finish this.... 

maybe I'll try again tomorrow, as I continue to #SurviveLife

-Jess Lore'al


Comments

  1. Flawless ArRHOganceJuly 26, 2021 at 2:56 PM

    I am so glad that you are back blogging. Blogging is a release in itself as you know bc you get to share your thoughts and feelings with us and get an opportunity to learn a little more about who you are as a woman, mom, sister, friend. You are literally at the threshhold of graduation for your BS degree and it is definitely something to celebrate. You have got to make time to celebrate you. Thats non-negatiable.
    Going back home to deal with the situation with your wife was a tough one. It was something you havent had to do in a while. You had to revert back to the person you were when you were in the marriage and that in itself is a trigger. You are still working through your divorce and its ok to have those feelings. It will get better, at is going to take time.
    Your father is a whole nother ball game. This is somwthing you have been dealing with for decades and now it is starting to affect you as you long for that father-daughter relationship all girls want. Talking to him has not helped and you have done what you can as a woman and as his daughter to address the relationship. Here is where you will have too work to find peace, to be able to say ok I did all I could and my concious is clear. It will also take time but remember youve been through heartbreak, betrayal, and emptiness before BUT you have gotten through it. You are a strong woman, much stronger than the storms that come your way. Continue to take it one day at a time and remember it is ok to have emotions. You are human.

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