Filing For Divorce

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 Well as you can see from the title of this you already know what I am about to talk about. I know it's been a while and I truly have not been on here like I should, but life has had me all over the place lately. I will have to update on life in another blog, but let me address this topic first.

This week has been an emotional one not just because of what the title says, but because this is also the week 3 years ago that I conceived my angel baby, Emersyn Rose Mahoney. Just emotions everywhere right?! But now let me get to the real stuff because I have so many thoughts to get off my chest when it comes to this topic at hand.

I finally filed for my divorce, I mean, it's been a year in the making because for some that are not new to my blog you know that I have been separated from my soon to be ex wife since October of last year. We have been through so many ups and downs on this journey to filing for our divorce that I truly feel has been building up to the biggest emotional breakthrough that I have ever had. I know that in life we all face so many things, but when you are dealing with the ending of something that you thought would never end at one point it makes everything hit different.

So Monday, I finally filed for my divorce and I would have to be honest that day my emotions were everywhere and I mean everywhere. I woke up heavy and I was trying to act as if it was nothing but deep down I felt like every emotion I have ever felt was about to come up to the top and bubble out of control. The drive to the District Clerks office was one that I did not think would be as long as it was, but it felt like it was a 13 hour drive to Florida. This drive might be one drive I will never forget for many reasons; which I am about to get into now.

When I started driving to my destination, my mind started going through the last 14 years of my life with my ex wife. The ups, the downs, the twists, the turns, and the things that I do not speak of because that's something that is truly left between us. I cried tears that at first I did not understand at all, but as I drove I started to get more clarity on. The one thing that became really evident though is the fact that I knew it was okay to allow myself to feel what I needed to feel. On this drive, something else stood out to me, and that was the road I traveled; the reason that stood out is because that was the same road that I took to visit my favorite uncle who spent most of my life in prison. You see I passed right by the unit he use to be in and as soon as I saw that I cried even harder. 

It's crazy how I found myself just going through so many places mentally; sad, anger, grief, and then freedom. I know it sounds crazy that the person that walked away would go through so many emotions but honestly I must admit this was the hardest decision I made in my life because I had to think of someone other than me when I made the decision.

But back to the topic at hand...

I literally felt like I was dealing with a death on this drive to file these papers; I listened to gospel music and sung through my emotions. I made sure that I kept my mind on feeling what I needed to so that I would not end up acting like nothing was wrong. This whole time I have been going through this year of separation I have been trying to make it seem that I had it all under control; but on this day I realized that I really needed a release. 

Every emotion I have felt from the moment I packed up my daughter and myself to leave Florida to move to Texas and now the actual paperwork has been filed. I disconnected myself from the situation quickly but in the process my DEPRESSION was right there knocking bringing along its friend ANXIETY. I worked hard to cover it but in that moment on that drive it all came out.

Now do not get me wrong, I know I made the right decision and it was the best decision I made for my daughter and I. Just finally filing made it all surreal to me.. 

I now can say that I will be divorced in 2022 and the next chapters of my life will now begin.


But as you know I'm still out here #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al


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