Ugh.. The Black Hole

I feel like I truly hide so much from people now a days because I truly hate to have conversations; but actually I have some serious insecurities and fears which is why I do not talk. I keep everything to myself because I find it to be easier, I really do not like to be vulnerable with people. i do not know why it is so much easier to write out things than to say them to someone but most of my life I have only been able to express my everything through writing. 

So these past few weeks in my black hole, I have been realizing more and more about my insecurities and how I have so many fears that people know nothing about. I really feel that I have gotten into a place that I have been able to mask everything from people, but I have some people in my life that can actually see right through me and my masks. Masking has become second nature to me that sometimes I do not even know that I am doing it, until I realize that I do not know how to get deeper with people or allow people to get closer to me. 

So recently I was hosting a woman's event with my mom and I realized in that night how much my insecurities really affect me mentally and in my mania I find that my insecurities sometimes pulls me away from people and pushes me deeper into the black hole. I try so hard not to go deeper in the hole, but after that event and saying something about my insecurities I found myself circling backwards.

So tonight, I am going to write through this because that's the only way I can make it somewhat go away... so here goes some vulnerability that I try not to show...

Insecurities; I have developed a new insecurity of thinking that everything is my fault when things go wrong since I started this divorce process. I feel like I am a failure somehow and ironically failing is my biggest fear as well. I do not know why go to a place of thinking everything is my fault or starting to think negatively about myself because of something not being successful. Well not just something, but more like relationships and friendships; I have had many failed, well maybe not failed just lost. When it comes too friendships I think that is something that sometimes is not a bad thing to end, but this is when I am thinking logically. 

The other insecurity is the fact that I do not feel worthy of love or for someone to care about me. I have had these thoughts for many years that go all the way back to my childhood, which is where all my insecurities come from. Over the years most of the insecurities have gone away but any of my insecurities that dealt with relationships have never gone away. Truthfully, I think that they have gotten worse over time; it hurts though because with my most recent break-up (well divorce actually) I feel these things have gotten really bad. I use to think I was unloveable and now I am starting to think I really am. Like maybe I am... 

See this is the madness I go through... But truthfully if I am being vulnerable, I really do feel like I am unloveable or that something that is wrong with me because I am not worth my dad actually caring anything about me, which in turn affects my child because he acts like she doesn't exist. Which also causes my mania to make me think that I am failing my child. 

My goodness, I feel like I am rambling, but this is how it's going in my mind and I really wish that it would stop but it's constant.... it sometimes keeps me up at night and I cry because I do not know why my mind is like this.

I am so insecure even when someone tells me that they are into me, it's hard for me to believe them because I literally ask myself what is so special about me, why me, how could you be into me, and what would attract someone to me?? I know that is crazy to ask in some people's minds because people see something that I do not see I guess. sigh.. I really do not know. 

I fear liking/falling for someone because my insecurities/fears sometimes, maybe most times ruins that. I feel like I am truly maybe meant to just be alone because honestly I just do not know anymore. 

Well that's enough of my rambling thoughts... I'm still out here #SurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al