Realizations of Emotions/Trauma Bonding

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It's been awhile since I wrote and it's because I have been really busy processing emotions, work, school, and mom life. It's crazy how in time so many things come to light and you get so much clarity; and to be honest that is what has been going on for me.

You see I close myself off a lot and I trauma bond with people without even realizing it; I am starting to see the error in my ways on the trauma bonding with people. Recently, I have been really allowing myself to feel all my emotions dealing with many different traumatic situations that I have never honestly dealt with. The most traumatic things in my life is losing my best friend and my uncles; BUT I think my best friend was the toughest.

Recently, his brother has been communicating with me more and going down memory lane; reminiscing things that I pushed down in many ways. I guess because I never wanted to honestly admit that losing him felt like losing apart of me. He was the only person I could talk to in any mood or mindset because he loved me and truly made me feel comfortable; which many people do not know but he was in love with me. He confessed a lot of his feelings just months before he passed away which in my eyes was really hard to hear because I was in denial that he felt anything for so long. 

But back on topic, hearing from his brother really made me see that I have not allowed myself to heal from this deep wound of losing him. Which truthfully trauma bonding with so many to feel a void of no longer having him in the flesh in my life. BUT the trauma bonding has been a BIG problem. When I say big problem I mean BIG BIG problem. I have connected myself with people that in the end have meant me no well or that had hidden agendas all along.

This year is 2023 and I have decided that I will see the brighter side in life, so here's that side of trauma bonding... It shows you what you still need to heal from or areas where you probably need to focus more. I promised that I would handle my healing but I realized that I cannot heal in this area because I have not grieved this one death. Which caused me unnecessary spiraling in some areas ESPECIALLY the friendship area.

You know, how you look for something to replace the one thing you are missing the most; well I did that and I have come up empty every time because nothing compares to Ken and everyone that tries causes me some type of trauma or unnecessary drama. There has been so many recent events that have shown me, my own personal growth because I do not CARE as much as I use to. I've laughed at a lot of things and realized that somethings trigger past hurt I am still dealing with, but all in all I do not care to CLEAR MY NAME anymore. 

I do not CARE to involve myself with certain people anymore so I have distanced myself... I have gotten to a place where I enjoy being by myself and living in my moments. I love being able to watch my shows, color, or even read in peace; I am enjoying my own company. For me, that is big because honestly I use to hate the silence and now I crave it. 

I am guessing the realizations, the understanding of my trauma bonding, and the new found love of being my own best friend has brought me to a place of "BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT ME" because in the end I have done nothing to some people and those I have a held myself accountable for my actions. 

Again, I am out here #LivingWhileSurvivingLife

-Jess Lore'al

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