Overthinking (Part 1)

Anxiety, oh boy anxiety...

I have been dealing with so much anxiety and having an overwhelming feeling. I honestly can tell you that lately I do not know if I am coming or going because my mind is racing all over the place. I have really never realized how much a lot of stress and anxiety could cause me to lose it but MY GOODNESS!!

So between work and my mental I have become overly anxious and I have no real clue what I thought started, but I think I know what kept it going. I have been really hating being apart of the games people play and for some reason I have become apart of a game that someone is playing. I mean I have become apart of this double standard and this weird triangle that I am not feeling at all. 

I have sat back and overthought so much and most people find that overthinking is a bad thing but for me, it leads me to clarity. It leads me to what has kept me up and it shows me things that I probably would not have noticed if I was not paying close attention. I love to breakdown my overthinking because it brings me full circle and most times (if not all) it helps me stop from getting hurt too bad. 

Getting hurt has been the biggest fear in my life and now it's the one thing that I am starting to feel like I am prone to happening. I guess thats because I have been so forgiving and I also have been the one that will act like everything is great and nothing bothers me but truthfully I feel completely and utterly broken on the inside. Yes, I know it's not easy for people to see that you are hurting unless you tell them, or they will never really care until make it a point to show what was done that caused you so much hurt and pain.

I have become prone to acting like nothing bothers me and I can put on the front of a lifetime, even when inside I am hot like fire. I started (just recently) making sure that I express myself very clearly on how I feel, but in that process I was told that some of the things that I need right now is frustrating. Have you ever had someone tell you that something that you need  was frustrating and they should not have to deal with that since they did not cause?

No.. Well I have! I want you to know that it hurts to hear someone make you feel like you are too much because they do not want to take the time to reassure you or just help build trust in them after all you have been through. I find that people look at things that their partner or significant other need to feel comfortable while working on healing from things is too much. Why is it too much? Why is it hard to reassure the one you love even if you KNOW its not your fault? I will never understand why people cannot think outside themselves especially when they claim to love a person.

Sometimes people require a little extra help from the ones that love them, even if it maybe friends or even lovers because rebuilding trust in people is not as easy as people think it is. Speaking from experience I find it hard to trust people's words because people LIE; I mean they play with people's emotions and things on purpose. I guess I am just going to continue to overthink it all until things become clear to me. 

But you know like always I will be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife..

-Jess Lore'al