Mentally Drained.. Or Maybe Sleep Deprived

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Trying to process while emotional is something that I do not suggest anyone to do, but yeah here I am doing it because guess what... this is all I know to do... So let's get into what's in my head...

I did not really get much sleep last night and I honestly started crying today because I am honestly drained and I mean really drained. I feel like everyone is pulling from me and I have nothing left to give, like nothing I can support with or even pour from. I literally give and give of myself until I have nothing.. but then somehow I still continue to give. My well has been malfunctioning for months now and I honestly feel like people, well some people, I thought that would notice have not noticed a thing.

If I dive deeper into my world, I can tell you that I have been battling my depression, my seasonal depression, and my anxiety. I have been really struggling and I mean struggling.. But I feel that no one has really asked about that or even cared about the things I have been facing... I mean yes I have some friends that think outside of their self to ask but the others ONLY care about what I can do for them and how i can fix them. It hurts honestly... It hurts...

I spend my days caring about so many people's feelings and emotions, while no one, I mean I cannot say no one, but sometimes when I am in the overthinking process I feel alone.. I know I should not feel alone because I am not but I question sometimes if people really see me.. Lord, this sleep deprivation is about to drive me insane. I keep going round and round on this merry go round, like it's a ride I want off but because of my mental health it's like a vicious cycle. 

My mental health has been going through due to so many changes and funny thing is when I turn an odd number in age, I go through these big shifts that really throw off my mental. I just turned 37 and now I am battling with job loss, seasonal depression, and my normal depressive state which yes I talk to my therapist and that's how I have come to realize i really have to make some changes in my world. Some people will have to stay in 2024 on purpose because honestly it's weighing me down and has me in a constant cycle of anxiety, panic, and sleep deprivation. 

I feel like I have been rambling but I also feel like it makes sense to me.. Well thanks for coming to my rant.. Until next time I will be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife...

-Jess Lore'al

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