Forgiveness (Part 2)

Hey.. let's jump right back into this forgiveness talk because after my last post, I honestly cannot get certain things off my mind regarding the effects of not forgiving. I know that this is a hard process for many of us and honestly it has been a hard process for myself because I have been unpacking so much with this. So come on a journey with me...

So in this part of the conversation, I am finding that I have spent a good amount of my life responding to a lot of things that happened to me from a trauma filled place. For instance, any hurt that has happened to me at any point in my life has brought me back to a trauma that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. I realized that a lot of my abandonment and rejection trauma is from unforgiveness from my childhood. Yes, I did say its stemming from not forgiving people from my childhood.

In my childhood, I can go back to a time where all the rejection issues came and feeling abandoned; now when I break it all down I realize it stems from things that were told to me that pushed me into the resentful state of mind that created an issue that causes residual damages. Being real as a child how do we know what these big feelings are and how are we able to say that is really what was going on? If we are being truthfully, now this is my thoughts on it, we do not find out about those words until we are older and even then we never really look at the circumstances of what those around us were going through. Like as child, yes we are innocent and we feel that the adults around us should protect us and make sure that we feel loved; but have we ever asked ourselves if those adults raising us knew how to do any of those things? Or if those adults were doing the best they knew how? 

Unpacking, where the root of a lot of our hurt comes from is how we start to really see why we feel some of things about ourselves. Honestly, most of my life I never really tried to understand the things that my adults may have been facing in life with they were given me as their child; I never thought about even the hurt or things they may be focusing now in the journey they are in at this point in life. I find that I have been resentful and angry towards my adults because of things that I never tried to see their side of. I have blamed my rejection/abandonment issues on them but yet when I look back on my childhood with different lenses that are not my hurt ones, I start to see that my adults did the BEST they could being that they were fighting their on personal things. 

We, as people, seem to not show grace to our adults because we feel like they should have done better, but ask yourself "Are you doing better?" like let's be real we are going in the same vicious cycle because we are allowing ourselves not to heal and forgive. We go to therapy and talking about our past, we get different point of views on the things we are holding to, and instead of us listening to positive advice at times, we choose to allow ourselves to HARBOR unforgiveness still. It's easier to be mad and place blame than to realize that people did their best and they deserve the same grace we ask for.

I'm not going to lie, realizing that this is the reason that I have been responding to life in the most negative way. I have seen so much around me including my mental suffer because I wanted to continue to have a mindset of "I did not ask to be here" to be the reason I did not give the Grace for things that I was not willing to forgive from my childhood. A lot of things are bigger than what we are willing to look deeper into and past; and I am tired of carrying such unhealthy things, that could damage things in the future that I have worked so hard for and I am at the point of life that I would rather just be genuinely happy and have more healthy ways.

Now I know this is the way I look at things and you may not agree totally about how not forgiving can affect you; but just be open to the possibilities that if you look at things differently, you just might see where I am coming from. But hey as always, until next I will be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife..

-Jess Lore'al