Overthinking (Part 2)

It's 2 days into the new year and I have been woken up out my sleep, by my anxiety and my overthinking thoughts. I have been trying to make myself calm my brain, but if I am being honest I must talk about being triggered by things that I will deny triggered me.. Yes I will deny that certain things trigger my insecurity, trigger my overthinking, and trigger me in general. Triggering is so REAL and I think it's time to really talk about it.

I have been really thinking, but honestly overthinking a lot lately especially in the last few months of the year. I have been overthinking every relationship in my life.. yes every single one because of triggers that I am dealing with that no one will ever realize I mask. I do this thing of withdrawing from people and acting like it is normal. But on a serious note, let's talk about where overthinking actually stems from...

Overthinking is a very hard to deal with and sometimes it can cause more problems than it helps; also it brings out things that you do not really want to talk about. At this moment, I deal with overthinking more than I deal with normal thinking. I have spent many years of my life overthinking every situation I deal with, I have allowed my overthinking to ruin a lot of things or get in the way of me accomplishing my goals, and I have even allowed my overthinking to create a delusion in my brain that I am not worth anything. Overthinking has been a kryptonite for a lot of people and honestly I think as people we avoid dealing with the root of the overthinking.

My overthinking is rooted in my daily triggers, my childhood trauma, and PTSD; the little things people do not realize that will hurt me that probably would not hurt them triggers my overthinking. I have been avoiding allowing myself to talk about my triggers because that opens up a different level of vulnerability about my overthinking. Letting people know that the fact I am not used to being loved properly, having healthy friendships/relationships, and that I still deal with self sabotaging is not something high on my list of things to share; so my overthinking is normally something that I hid from everyone around. My brain is not capable of talking about the overthinking because I literally will start crying instantly. Today, I broke down like that and I realized that I needed to write about this because overthinking is going to be the insanity of me.

The insanity I have caused myself in the vicious cycle of being in my overthinking because I refuse to admit that I have so much hurt in me that will have me questioning everyone and everything. I spiral in my mental to a place that I will question every single person in my life and their intentions all because one person says something or shows questionable actions. It will make me think that the whole world is against me and it's all because one person has a problem with me being happy or is just miserable period. But my real thought is how do I stop this from happening or how do I get myself to not allow the actions of others affect every other person? Like I know this is a problem that I am like this and that it's wrong for me to project on others from one person... BUT overthinking will just make me feel like I'm valid in my thought process.

So now you see my insanity, I feel today was a breakthrough because I talked about something with my HER that made me realize that I am doing this a lot more than I realize. It's like I am causing myself more insanity because I have been going in a cycle instead of just cutting people of that cause the triggers and continue to heal from the things that bring me such discomfort. So in this new year, I am going to be working harder on the overthinking..... So there is my transparency moment....

Well until next time, I will still be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife!

-Jess Lore'al