Blah... I'm just here

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 I feel so back in my element with writing in this blog again, because I have missed writing out my thoughts and emotions. But I guess it's been hard to find the time to do that with being a mom, working, school, and dealing with my mental health.

Yes I said dealing with my Mental Health, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions truthfully, for the last year and I think now is the time to just let it all out. I mean I do not know if you guys are ready for this unload but here it goes.

Here we go:

So as all know I moved back to Houston in October 2020 and I have been really trying to focus on getting my things together for me and my daughter. I have been in school and doing what I need to do so that I can say a float but MAN.. did I forget how hard it is to maintain my mental health while functioning through life. 

I completely lost myself in so many things around me that I am now finding me and I am getting back to what I do best; WRITE! I feel that when I go through I completely shut off my emotions until I am either about to lay down or when I am in the shower and no one else can see those emotions. I really do not know how I got to the place of not wanting to talk about things, but I guess it comes from feeling ignored that I just shut my feelings off. 

The craziest thing is I do not know where to start when it comes to my feelings and what I have been dealing with mentally. So this blog might go a little all over the place, but here's what I have been facing.

I have been in denial about a lot of the anger and hurt inside of that I would find ways to medicate or just act like it did not exist. I started drinking heavily again and I even think that I was just trying to numb everything I felt, not realizing that none of it would be numb because I cannot run from allowing myself to heal or even just face what I need to face.

I kept running into walls emotionally because I felt like I had no one to turn to or I honestly just did not trust people. Holding things in has been my thing for years and I would just let everything build up inside which then I either do one or two things: Become depressed or become overactive with my anxiety. 

When my anxiety kicks in, I go into a tail spin; like I honestly will get anxious all the time and not know why. I pick up bad habits like drinking a lot of energy drinks (which make my anxiety worse), or eating all the time.. 

I swear I wish I was normal, and when I say normal I mean a person that does not have to deal with all my mental health issues... 


But you guys know I'm just here #SurvivingLife...


-Jess Lore'al

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