Hello Again, Depression

If you read the title you know exactly where my head has been for the past few days, well actually weeks. I have been in a space that has been hella dark and I did not know if I was going to make it out alive. This might be one blog, that will give insight into why I started doing the blogs in the first place.

So I had been on a downward slope for some time and I was really trying not to get into that depress state of mind but I find that when I avoid my feelings and what I am dealing with my depression will hit me like an eighteen wheeler. I have no way of survival from the ultimate depressive state that came my way. I am about to explain everything that went on from beginning to now, so here goes some transparency.

I had just come home from my sorority trip, and I was truly on a high because I had a lot of fun with my sisters. But what I did not know is that soon after that I would be hit with somethings that would cause my mental to be drained and I would want to give up on everything. The place I was working for at the time was doing some underhanded things, well I was the one to point it out and guess what I came back to work and was terminated. That was a big hit for me, but I pushed my emotions down and did what I do best keep pushing to make sure I handled business. Well that did not stop what was to come....

Losing my job, on top of filing for my divorce, on top of the fact I am dealing with health stuff, and then I started to feel like a failure because I started really doing bad in school; people around me not noticing things, but my energy started to lag and my mental went crazy. I found myself in what I call the black hole and this time that hole was deeper than normal. I felt this hole swallow me whole, it get darker, and it disabled me physically and mentally. 

I literally laid in a dark room, I cried more than I desired to and the cries came from a deeply hurt place. My mind wondered why I was here, what was going on with me, and why all of a sudden I felt unworthy of a lot of things. I tried to get myself up, but my mental was so far gone that I had to breakdown everything that I was facing so that I could try to pull myself up but for some reason nothing was working.

I analyzed losing my job, but that was something that was out of my control; which I can say honestly it should not have affected me in this manner, but it tore me down. My confidence went down and I started down talking myself, even though I knew me no longer working there is the best for me. 

Filing for my divorce, I legit was in a place that I could not describe about this. I cried because it still hurt and did not realize why. I felt like I was finally grieving the death of marriage, then all of a sudden I started feeling like a failure and like I failed my child. Even though truthfully, I know that I did not but my depression took me to my negative mind. 

Then lastly, I have been dealing with some health stuff, that has been stressing me seriously. I have been driving myself crazy behind it because I have been dealing with my arm going numb randomly and then having to go to all these different doctors and them not knowing what the cause could be. I have literally cried a lot about this because I just want this thing to go away. But with them giving me different medications and it affecting another health I have; so it is just something that I have to process because this journey is nowhere near over.

Now here I am losing my mind because I am dealing with things mentally and how my mind is going to a scary place that makes me feel like I would rather not be here. I started to write letters to the people I love apologizing and making sure that my things were in order because I was ready to just die, I do not know why I went that far, but that's where my mind took me. I would try to get up and it would not work, my body had no energy, my everything hurt and it was just hard to want to be alive. I had to force myself to get up and shower or just to make myself go get out the house. But nothing I did helped me shake the mania I was in. 

But this has been my world, my life....  but you know this is my journey #Survivinglife

-Jess Lore'al