Seasonal Depression (Part 2)

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Man.. it's literally 3 days from Christmas and I do not know if I am even feeling it at this moment. I mean I love this holiday more than anything because I love giving gifts and seeing people smiling so big and bright..even them feeling the love because you have thought about them.. BUT I am not feeling that love right now, in some aspects not all. Maybe I need to process... let's do that...

Christmas for me is a family holiday... it's one of those holidays where you decorate the tree together and then go look at Christmas lights; but this year it feels more like just another day nothing more and nothing less. I have really been noticing that this year, no holiday was special to me... I do not know if it was because I am no longer working or because it's this transition I'm going through in life. Ugh this transition....

I turned an odd number this year and I'm really hating when I turn odd numbers because weird things happen on those years. If you need examples... here are some... 33, I started a divorce process; 35, I ran my car into a pole, I also have no job, I fall into a deep depression, and I got COVID; Now 37, I am going through a transition, my car dies on me, and I am no longer working... This transition seems to always happen on the odd years but this transition feels REALLY different.

This birthday seems to have pushed me into my uncomfortable place, which is making me face my purpose. I finally realized a lot about me, where I have been with my goals/dreams, and even why I haven't finished certain things... But it's a difficult transition nonetheless because being stretched sometimes is harder to accept than staying stagnant. 

I'm not going to lie, it's been apart of why my seasonal depression has been kicking my ass too because I really just have not wanted to do much.. Somedays I have this burst of energy to be productive.. do not get me wrong, I am not crying everyday or wanting to die, but I am having my self-loathing moments. Like honestly, my body dysmorphia is at an all time high right now. Now that is something that will have me never leave my house again EVER.. but that's a story for another day. 

Ughh transitions.. but you know what I always say until next I will still be #LivingWhileSurvivingLife.

-Jess Lore'al

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